i really don't post on here as much as i should. i'd love to have an accurate documentation of my personal growth & revelations. but sincerely, who has time for that? :) maybe one day i'll get a smart phone & jot everything down as it happens, so then i'll have lots of mini posts..... but then again maybe not. :)
lately i have been doing many things to shed the shame, fear & darkness that has clouded my life. i am allowing myself to learn to love again & find the happiness & joy that comes w/ faith, love & life. i'm learning to trust myself again & let my sparkle (shine) out.
i have been praying more, reading more, & trying to create more. i have a long way to go but it's a journey i'm willing to take.
here are a few things that i've gathered along the way:
"She dances to the songs in her head, speaks with the rhythm of her heart, and loves from the depths of her soul." Dean Jackson
& my mantra? "perfect love drives out fear" it is a piece of a Bible verse. the whole verse reads: "There is no fear in love. But perfectlove drives outfear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. " 1 John 4:17-19
today i am venting. i don't even know if there will be a nugget of wisdom at the end of this post. i must say i am fed up w/ certain things...........
the first one you ask? legal drinking age. this has bothered me since before i could drink legally. not b/c i was a lush, not b/c i partied, not b/c i was scared to break the law, but b/c the logic is so far off it's crazy. in our great country the united states of america an 18yr old can fight & die for our country, their ideals & agendas; they can own a car, house, &/or weapon, they can vote (ya know help choose who governs our nation etc), they can marry, they can have children (if they don't already),most have been working for years, they can get into debt, travel the world, are responsible for their own medical care, food choices etc, BUT you can not drink alcohol. oh & you can buy cigarettes....(more on that later) our country is telling people you can do everything else, you are intelligent enough, responsible enough, or at least old enough to learn life lessons for yourself EXCEPT when it comes to alcohol. why wouldn't people break that law? why wouldn't people challenge that claim? i think we have more problems b/c we make it untouchable, or create a stigma w/ it. other countries have it around, it's normal, they have younger drinking ages & they have less underage drinking because of it. it is that no complex, our teens/young adults are told no & that makes the desire stronger for it, especially b/c of the extreme limitations on it. do i acknowledge it can be abused? yes, do i acknowledge that there is a certain gene that predisposes many americans to addictions & thrill seeking? yes, but that still doesn't mean we should villianize alcohol the way we do. it's just idiocracy. again, you can die for your country, vote for your leaders, but don't drink...... if people think they aren't responsible enough to drink, what makes them think they are responsible enough for any of the other life events that they face everyday? it's about education & how we market things. it is about learning how to self govern.
which also brings me to the issue of cigarettes.... some parts of NY are changing the laws so you have to be 21yrs old to buy cigarettes &/or e-cigs. now as far as i'm concerned e-cigs (or vaps) are way safer than regular cigarettes. yes, i am not a scientist & yes i know lots of research still has to be done on long term affects, but seriously? they don't have the toxins & the residue turns into water you exhale. i know the e-cig world doesn't really have enough $ to fund research & most likely tobacco companies are funding research to disprove anything that would take away from their revenue....... i know this sounds a bit conspiracy theory.... but i do live w/ a man who can find a conspiracy around every corner, and we really shouldn't be so naive to think that our country isn't run by big corp $. ok, so i digress...... i do acknowledge cigarettes are bad for you. i don't like them, but i also feel people can make that choice if they are going to buy/use them or not. i also feel this age shouldn't be 21. do they think it will keep early teens from buying these products? do they think it will discourage the use? no, it won't, also people who have been able to buy cigarettes at 18 now wouldn't be allowed to..... seriously i do believe in laws to protect the masses & help our citizens, but i also believe in freedom of choice & the ability to govern oneself. the best way to tackle these type of issues is thru education & social reform. sometimes the answer isn't banning or making laws stricter.......
ok, i think i'm finished ranting. i really just had to get that out there.... no wait, i just remembered one more thing..... (then the phrase one more thing was repeated in my head said in the voice of uncle from the jackie chan cartoons) in florida there is a school board member who wants to create a dress code for parents as they pick off/drop off kids....... this bothers me to the nth degree. she feels that kids will not take their education seriously if parents aren't dressed to a certain standard at the time they drop them at the door. SERIOUSLY? how dare she! seriously. so what about the kids' character, or grades? how about the fact that the parents are dropping off their kids, attending school functions, making sure their children do their homework....... how about teaching our kids to accept people regardless of how they look or dress? to understand that maybe we don't know the lives or schedules of the parents.......... we don't know what their values, neighborhood or income level. that we can work w/ the children, teach them, let the parents be parents & know that the child will grow & develop to become who they were meant to be thru the influence of their family, neighborhood, education & natural disposition. it is one thing if the school seeing a need to help families move out of poverty levels, cross language barriers etc try to establish community programs or have a social worker to connect the families to proper organizations to ultimately create healthier families that can prosper, but that's not what she proposed..... she wanted to push her set of values and judgements on her students & their parents. unreal. each person, family, culture etc has a list of priorities. yes education should be one of them, but how they choose to encourage & foster learning in their children is for the family to decide. the teacher can & should create an environment that allows students to grow & learn to the best of their ability. that doesn't need to change just b/c a parent comes to school in pj's w/ curlers in their hair, or a business suit. every child, every human treated equally & fairly. that is how our next generation will succeed.
man how i love pin up art. the beauty, the attraction, the confidence, the feminine power & grace, poise, the list goes on & on for me. it's hard not to get caught up in the beauty of this world, to believe that your identity is wrapped up in what you look like, that you aren't good enough unless you look a certain way. please don't get me wrong, i am NOT knocking pin up art. like i said i love it. what i am doing is confessing my imbalance. i know when i was younger i was so secure in who i was, i knew that my beauty came from within, that if i found myself beautiful it didn't matter what anyone else thought. i also knew that if Christ was for me, who could be against me? i was empowered, i was beautiful & God's light shone thru me.
somewhere thru time i stopped believing this. that is my imbalance. but i am so thankful to God's faithfulness & His daily reminders that i am beautiful. i am enough.
today was an interesting day. i have these moments that i call self hate days. they seem to happen once or twice a month before my woman-hood. i know that may be too much info but i'm being honest & i'm being realistic. mind you this is no excuse to hate myself but by expecting this to occur i am better able to manage the feelings & dismiss them as false. i am learning to press into Jesus & find my identity in Him, rather than my misguided ideals. i am thankful for my husband who is learning & growing & trying to better understand me, to love me where i am at and nurture me. i too am learning how to support him in love & life.
when i thought how i wanted to write a blog today i never expected it to take this course. i honestly thought i was going to write something completely different. but it seems as my fingers hit the keys, my thoughts turned to my identity instead of my original topic. you know it's funny b/c i can't even remember what that was going to be.
i will end this journal entry with several things that will seem a hodge podge of stuff but it has all impacted me in the last 24hrs.
PAUSE: i am going to digress for a minute b/c the thought just popped in my head & i feel i should type it..... i wonder in the vast land of the 'internets' if someone reads the musings of a misfit mom, if they can in anyway relate to this imperfect mother who is learning to relate to her family, her community & most importantly her God. i wonder if in all my vague-eries if anyone is stirred with in their souls. can the reader connect? i barely discuss my kids, my husband or what i do in life, how i interact with the world. can anyone be blessed by this? i know this endeavor is for my own benefit, my random thoughts in an open journal format..... but i certainly don't want to bring the world down a notch.....
ok, back to my regularly scheduled lack of planning & stuff i wanted to say. :)
this song i heard during sunday worship & again today. it is so true. Lord how i need you
i
have read several articles this week about yoga & the practice of.
there was one article that stood out to me in a very real way. it was
the practical applications of life skills. i will recap it here &
then add two verses that i feel correlate really well. :)
there are 10 practices: (& i am summarizing)
non-harming - negative thoughts can equal violence, *others first* this woke me up to that self hate i was talking about. i never thought of myself as being violent, but i have been very violent to my soul. i need to train myself to think positively & go outside myself more often. :)
truthfulness- encourager, listener this excited me. i love to help & to listen, to spur one another on to love & good deeds (hebrews 10:23-25) james 1:19 (quick to listen, slow to speak)
non-stealing- consumption in this aspect i must learn what consumes me, not just desire, but time too. am i balanced btwn self, spouse, kids, entertainment etc? this is an area i struggle with & have to become more intentional.
energy moderation- not urge driven, control senses/feelings lately i find that i am becoming quick to anger. i don't like that. it is a waste of energy & just frustrates me & the others around me. i need to take a breath & think. "People with understanding control their anger. a hot temper shows great foolishness." (proverbs 14:29) this also goes into negative feelings or desire/lust too. can i control my eating, do i choose to exercise etc
non-grasping- minimalist, gratitude being thankful everyday, living in the moment, not buying into the idea of always needing better etc. knowing my needs are met & i have enough.
purity- knowing who you are, caring for self i have noticed when i stopped loving myself, i stopped taking care of myself. i am now trying to rebuild habits, and love the skin i'm in. this includes basic things like showering, brushing my teeth, from time to time painting my face & learning to incorporate exercise.
contentment- enjoying the moment, making the best of reality i am learning to accept where i'm at. i am where i need to be, to learn & grow here. yes i can have goals for the future, but i need to live in today so i can get the most out of it. also if i'm constantly wishing for better i'm unhappy with my now, and not actually working towards a better. "fake it til you make it"
right effort- desire, discipline to me this is where the rubber meets the road. i can have dreams, i can set goals & i can shape my reality. this is closely tied into several other practices.
self study- learning strength, accepting weakness, you are not alone knowing who you are on a soul level, seeing your positives & negatives & knowing others have gone thru similar trials & can help you thru them.
dedication to highest- surrender self to God, trusting self to benefit "greater good" this is the ultimate truth, remember the song i posted? my day is always better when i center it around God, the Author & Creator of all things. following His plan for me always benefits others & allows my day to run much smoother. :)
these practices reminded me of two verses
Galatians 5:22-23
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience , kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." i think these biblical fruits come from practical living, the more we use them the more we produce them. may my tree & yours be abundantly blessed. :)
Philippians 4:13
"And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about." i remember learning a song as a child that talked about this. whatever we fill our minds with will spill out into our lives. it is time to renew my mind with lovely things.
i have realized several things recently.
1) when i embarked on this blogging journey i didn't think it thru. i have never been able to keep a journal & i thought i could keep a blog.(consistently).... that was silly
2) when i started this blog i was in a seriously dark spot in life. i know that's why i started it, i needed to feel like i had a voice again
3) where i am now is totally different. i wish i could've shared my growth & transformation so maybe at least one other soul would've been encouraged, but i didn't
4) i am far from where i want to be, but i feel like a transformation is happening & a real awakening. i am once again believing i am fully human & fully alive.
i am so thankful that my life isn't over. but more importantly i am thankful that i am learning to love myself again. i've always loved others, but i began to believe the lies i've been told for so long.... that i was not worth loving, that i was not good enough, that i am not beautiful, smart, talented etc i began to hate myself & speak death blows to myself..... my life was not full of darkness, but my own love tank was low, so low that the love i was receiving i didn't believe was real. why could they love me? how could they love me?
now? i am beginning to believe the truth. the truth that my Creator designed me in His image. He is beautiful, wonderful, beyond compare. If God loves me enough to save me, call me His child, His bride, His friend & desires a relationship w/ me, then i mustn't be that bad. I began to remember & acknowledge that i am more than my mistakes, the way i look or how i feel. that i can reclaim myself & the abandoned areas of my life. that with the Lord Almighty's help i can again be healthy mind, body & soul.
i still have a long way to go. i struggle to stay on track, and i fall often, but now i get up. i will again show my strength & beauty, my love & wisdom. to be the lioness & life giver i was designed to be.
my hope is to learn & grow to inspire & encourage others. to point to Jesus & to help/serve those in need. to above all else walk in the Spirit & to love.
i am hoping w/in the next month or so to start a new Bible study, to train up in wisdom & truth. i am going back to school while trying to balance a life at home. only God can continue to keep our family strong while we walk thru this new time. i am starting to take dancing. i've always wanted to dance. i may start singing again..... who knows.
