life is messy. messy can be really good, or messy can be really bad.
messy is good when you are mud sliding, playing in the rain, finger painting, baking cookies, eating ice cream..... the list is endless of all the good things in life that can be messy......
unfortunately there are times in life when messy is bad..... someone gets hurt, fires, floods, relationship struggles, money troubles..... again, if you let your mind wander this list can be just as long.......
in my life i have both..... 5 children, a cat & a puppy make messes.....
but i also have bills, a husband w/ an addictive personality & limited income......
we are in a mess more uncomfortable financially then i have ever been in....... to be honest this situation is a super test of faith.... and a big stressor........
no i haven't read my Bible yet today, so there is no scripture truth to write down right now.... and if i wrote down my inspirational quotes i save that may help..... but in reality all i am going to do is pray.....
dear God, thank you so much for being my Creator & Provider. You have given me this life & blessed me w/ so much. please give me the faith to trust you w/ our finances, our home & our children. please only you can fix our trouble. i know you can work miracles, i know you can fix all problems & give grace & forgiveness. You are the Author & Redeemer..... please give us the strength to endure, the energy to continue forth, and help us trust in You. thank you for providing & making a way for us to continue to live where we are. amen
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
words of wisdom
yes, i have noticed it has been quite a while since i last journaled..... something i have to make a better habit of doing..... all my profound happenings, ideas, funny moments etc happen away from the computer. if this is a captain's log it does not record as much as it should...... i can see why people fb & twitter so much along w/ instagram....(is that what its called?) b/c they can record all their life moments..... either way......
here is an entry for today. words of wisdom, speaking truth into my life. God has really been trying to teach me happiness again. several things have stuck to my soul these past few days.....
1) don't wait for others & don't listen to their opinions. speak truth into your soul. praise the Lord in all things.... believe what He says about you & who you are. listen to the Creator, not the world around you. i must take back my life. i must fight for what is beautiful & deserving. i am defined by Christ, not the chaos of social ups & downs.
2) a few verses popped off the pages of my Bible tonight. well all of what i read made an impression but specifically this....1 cor 7:17 and don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. where you are right now is God's place for you. live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. i give this same counsel in all the churches.
that was a wow for me. live, obey, love & believe right where i am. that can be really hard. especially when you are going thru lots of pain, trouble & mistrust. but i need to lean on God b/c He defines me. He is my utmost. yesterday we sang several songs..... all w/ a central theme..... more of Jesus, pour out so Your flame can not be contained! could you imagine??? in my life, in yours.... a holy fire that spreads the joy & freedom of Christ???? the gratitude that leads you to abundant life, full of love that freely pours out washing over everyone!!!!
i am b/c of Christ. my life is a gift, i shouldn't squandor or waste it. i don't need rescuing b/c God already saved me! i am where i need to be, i am free!!!!
here is an entry for today. words of wisdom, speaking truth into my life. God has really been trying to teach me happiness again. several things have stuck to my soul these past few days.....
1) don't wait for others & don't listen to their opinions. speak truth into your soul. praise the Lord in all things.... believe what He says about you & who you are. listen to the Creator, not the world around you. i must take back my life. i must fight for what is beautiful & deserving. i am defined by Christ, not the chaos of social ups & downs.
2) a few verses popped off the pages of my Bible tonight. well all of what i read made an impression but specifically this....1 cor 7:17 and don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. where you are right now is God's place for you. live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. i give this same counsel in all the churches.
that was a wow for me. live, obey, love & believe right where i am. that can be really hard. especially when you are going thru lots of pain, trouble & mistrust. but i need to lean on God b/c He defines me. He is my utmost. yesterday we sang several songs..... all w/ a central theme..... more of Jesus, pour out so Your flame can not be contained! could you imagine??? in my life, in yours.... a holy fire that spreads the joy & freedom of Christ???? the gratitude that leads you to abundant life, full of love that freely pours out washing over everyone!!!!
i am b/c of Christ. my life is a gift, i shouldn't squandor or waste it. i don't need rescuing b/c God already saved me! i am where i need to be, i am free!!!!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
another day another $
so i haven't posted the last few days which i guess is normal for a blogger but not if you are a journal writer. which is what i am right? lol who really knows, i don't think i do. :)
point is today is tuesday but i really wish i had written on sunday & monday. both days were beautiful, profound & full of lots of meaning. of course i have recorded none of it. it's interesting to think in the very mundane life of the everyday you can get glimpses of so much better. life moves in cycles, circles, pictures, realms & different layers of sound & color. to be a part of it, to understand the reality & beauty of the dance we share it remarkable.
so tonight's entry will be more of a recap. musings over life..... like any other day. :)
this past sunday was father's day. chock full of worship, fathers & food. the way it should be. there was a moment or two where light feet was needed so no drama ensued. all family has moments of crabbiness, we are human, but w/ love, forgiveness & acceptance you can push forward in life.
the sermon & worship music sunday was amazing. no less than i expect & i am grateful when the Spirit speaks life into my soul, challenging me to be better & restoring the brokenness i often bring w/ me. several songs stuck to me that day, off hand i can't remember them all but i will link a few here . :)
http://youtu.be/a7QQGPv1Ikc
this one wasn't in our service sunday but is such a great song & fits.... plus i really can't think offhand what those other songs were....ugh... :)
http://youtu.be/a7QQGPv1Ikc
i know i'm linking a lot & when i finally figure out how to just post the videos into my blog i will do that too, but until then please indulge & go to the links. :)
i say that b/c i will probably post more, like this one: http://www.villagechurchbflo.com/#/media
for this one, i had wanted a more direct post but it wasn't happening. either way the sermon was very good & i feel should be shared w/ many people.
father's day i find is an interesting holiday & one my husband has many issues with. i love spoiling people so normally this is great fun. i try to encourage our kids to do the same. i had found a great idea on pinterest but apparently never pinned it b/c when it came time to make the gift.....well i couldn't find it,nor could i remember it either..... so this year we didn't do much ourselves for my hubby. but more than that he feels he is a lousy father so he shouldn't get a thank you. he kind of feels like it's a lie. but aren't we supposed to say i love you unconditionally??? the Bible talks about how anyone can love someone who is nice to them, but it takes supernatural love to love someone who is difficult. my hubby can be a handful, but that doesn't mean he is undeserving of love. expressing love can be tricky and i'm not sure how well we've been doing on this front lately.
my children have officially started their summer vacation this week so we have to establish a new routine. you know, the when the tv will be on, when we will eat, finish chores etc. i've been slacking in the accountability department w/ my children & chores. it sucks and i know it. soooo, that is an issue that needs some fixing. also i want this to be a real memory building summer. you know where you look back & go "oh yea, i remember how awesome that was" i like doing things.... don't get me wrong, i can totally chill & do nothing all day but i like being busy too. and even when my kids fight me out the door, 9/10 they end up enjoying themselves too. it's time to get up & move. ;) or sit & read, but together. :)
last i have seen 2 tshirts today, both bothered me. i felt both shirts went to extremes & we should really be in the middle as parents.... here is what i mean.
shirt one shirt two
rules for dating my daughter rules for dating my daughter
1.i don't make the rules 1.get a job
2. you don't make the rules 2.understand i don't like you
3. she makes the rules 3. i'm everywhere
4. her vagina, her rules 4.you hurt her, i hurt you
5.be home 30min early
feminist father 6.get a lawyer
7. if you lie to me, i will find out
8.she's my princess, not your conquest
9. i don't mind going back to jail
10. whatever you do to her, i will do to you
i'm not sure if there was a signature on the 2nd shirt like the first, the print was small..... but you get the jist. now i understand the 2nd shirt was funny w/ serious undertones b/c i personally know men like this..... but both shirts are wrong. or at least written poorly......
shirt one beef:
i mean yes, parents can & should set rules & guidelines for their children. the reality is many kids will have sex outside of marriage, but that doesn't mean you don't talk w/ them, set up expectations & guidelines. you want them safe. the guy might have boundaries too. both parties should feel safe & not taken advantage of. they both should interact w/ each other in respectable ways. that is how we show we care. both parties matter. i know this is referencing sex, but i feel these are too broad of statements......
she makes the rules? about her body? ok. about the whole relationship? no. we do have princesses learning to be queens, but that doesn't mean they have to be narcissistic. fourth rule, i don't have a big problem w/ it. it's her body & she should feel comfortable. but that doesn't mean she gets to boss the guy into uncomfortable situations sexually either. again both parties must be consenting.
shirt two:
get a job, presumptuous, what if they have a job? what if they are in college, what if they do both? what if they will be a stay at home dad, ? you don't like the date? rude, and ignorant. that creates tension & rebellion. it challenges all parties involved. create an environment that shows love & allows you to get to know this person. then make a judgement call, even then you can't really stop the relationship..... face reality, you aren't everywhere. you might want to be, and certainly you hope your kid is conducting themselves in a proper fashion when you aren't around but get real. revenge is not the answer. we are supposed to be peace makers. i know sometimes we do need to defend our children, but again reality check. people get hurt, it sucks. lets also teach our kids how to heal & forgive. and yes how to have a good relationship in the first place. be home early. eh... this is iffy. early may show respect, it may show you were bored, it may show nothing. be where you say you'll be, come home on time. if you are going to be late call. we want to know where our kids are for safety but we can't keep them on leashes either. get a lawyer??? why do they need one??? what are you implying?? bad call i agree here, tell the truth, plain and simple. the truth is always easiest, so no complaint. maybe just the way it's stated. 8 isn't bad either. you want your daughter cherished & you want the boy to do that, but i don't know if blunt works for this..... 9. really??? for humor, ok, for a serious rule? no. 10. gross, wrong, vindictive ..... it's just not right, and doesn't teach anything to either party involved. not good.
SOOOO, after my over analyzing simple tshirts.... i have no idea how i will parent my kids when they start dating..... i'm having a hard enough time making it thru today. it's easy to say what you won't do.... but what about the will do???? i can pray over them, try & create a loving, safe environment for them. i can model what a healthy relationship looks like, teach them right & wrong, respect etc., i can set up boundaries, establish trust, rewards & freedom..... i can meet the significant other..... i don't know..... the road is hard & will take work, but our children are worth it. one day i will have to battle that, but i believe in the power of love. i just hope i can express & teach that positively.
end transmission. ;)
point is today is tuesday but i really wish i had written on sunday & monday. both days were beautiful, profound & full of lots of meaning. of course i have recorded none of it. it's interesting to think in the very mundane life of the everyday you can get glimpses of so much better. life moves in cycles, circles, pictures, realms & different layers of sound & color. to be a part of it, to understand the reality & beauty of the dance we share it remarkable.
so tonight's entry will be more of a recap. musings over life..... like any other day. :)
this past sunday was father's day. chock full of worship, fathers & food. the way it should be. there was a moment or two where light feet was needed so no drama ensued. all family has moments of crabbiness, we are human, but w/ love, forgiveness & acceptance you can push forward in life.
the sermon & worship music sunday was amazing. no less than i expect & i am grateful when the Spirit speaks life into my soul, challenging me to be better & restoring the brokenness i often bring w/ me. several songs stuck to me that day, off hand i can't remember them all but i will link a few here . :)
http://youtu.be/a7QQGPv1Ikc
this one wasn't in our service sunday but is such a great song & fits.... plus i really can't think offhand what those other songs were....ugh... :)
http://youtu.be/a7QQGPv1Ikc
i know i'm linking a lot & when i finally figure out how to just post the videos into my blog i will do that too, but until then please indulge & go to the links. :)
i say that b/c i will probably post more, like this one: http://www.villagechurchbflo.com/#/media
for this one, i had wanted a more direct post but it wasn't happening. either way the sermon was very good & i feel should be shared w/ many people.
father's day i find is an interesting holiday & one my husband has many issues with. i love spoiling people so normally this is great fun. i try to encourage our kids to do the same. i had found a great idea on pinterest but apparently never pinned it b/c when it came time to make the gift.....well i couldn't find it,nor could i remember it either..... so this year we didn't do much ourselves for my hubby. but more than that he feels he is a lousy father so he shouldn't get a thank you. he kind of feels like it's a lie. but aren't we supposed to say i love you unconditionally??? the Bible talks about how anyone can love someone who is nice to them, but it takes supernatural love to love someone who is difficult. my hubby can be a handful, but that doesn't mean he is undeserving of love. expressing love can be tricky and i'm not sure how well we've been doing on this front lately.
my children have officially started their summer vacation this week so we have to establish a new routine. you know, the when the tv will be on, when we will eat, finish chores etc. i've been slacking in the accountability department w/ my children & chores. it sucks and i know it. soooo, that is an issue that needs some fixing. also i want this to be a real memory building summer. you know where you look back & go "oh yea, i remember how awesome that was" i like doing things.... don't get me wrong, i can totally chill & do nothing all day but i like being busy too. and even when my kids fight me out the door, 9/10 they end up enjoying themselves too. it's time to get up & move. ;) or sit & read, but together. :)
last i have seen 2 tshirts today, both bothered me. i felt both shirts went to extremes & we should really be in the middle as parents.... here is what i mean.
shirt one shirt two
rules for dating my daughter rules for dating my daughter
1.i don't make the rules 1.get a job
2. you don't make the rules 2.understand i don't like you
3. she makes the rules 3. i'm everywhere
4. her vagina, her rules 4.you hurt her, i hurt you
5.be home 30min early
feminist father 6.get a lawyer
7. if you lie to me, i will find out
8.she's my princess, not your conquest
9. i don't mind going back to jail
10. whatever you do to her, i will do to you
i'm not sure if there was a signature on the 2nd shirt like the first, the print was small..... but you get the jist. now i understand the 2nd shirt was funny w/ serious undertones b/c i personally know men like this..... but both shirts are wrong. or at least written poorly......
shirt one beef:
i mean yes, parents can & should set rules & guidelines for their children. the reality is many kids will have sex outside of marriage, but that doesn't mean you don't talk w/ them, set up expectations & guidelines. you want them safe. the guy might have boundaries too. both parties should feel safe & not taken advantage of. they both should interact w/ each other in respectable ways. that is how we show we care. both parties matter. i know this is referencing sex, but i feel these are too broad of statements......
she makes the rules? about her body? ok. about the whole relationship? no. we do have princesses learning to be queens, but that doesn't mean they have to be narcissistic. fourth rule, i don't have a big problem w/ it. it's her body & she should feel comfortable. but that doesn't mean she gets to boss the guy into uncomfortable situations sexually either. again both parties must be consenting.
shirt two:
get a job, presumptuous, what if they have a job? what if they are in college, what if they do both? what if they will be a stay at home dad, ? you don't like the date? rude, and ignorant. that creates tension & rebellion. it challenges all parties involved. create an environment that shows love & allows you to get to know this person. then make a judgement call, even then you can't really stop the relationship..... face reality, you aren't everywhere. you might want to be, and certainly you hope your kid is conducting themselves in a proper fashion when you aren't around but get real. revenge is not the answer. we are supposed to be peace makers. i know sometimes we do need to defend our children, but again reality check. people get hurt, it sucks. lets also teach our kids how to heal & forgive. and yes how to have a good relationship in the first place. be home early. eh... this is iffy. early may show respect, it may show you were bored, it may show nothing. be where you say you'll be, come home on time. if you are going to be late call. we want to know where our kids are for safety but we can't keep them on leashes either. get a lawyer??? why do they need one??? what are you implying?? bad call i agree here, tell the truth, plain and simple. the truth is always easiest, so no complaint. maybe just the way it's stated. 8 isn't bad either. you want your daughter cherished & you want the boy to do that, but i don't know if blunt works for this..... 9. really??? for humor, ok, for a serious rule? no. 10. gross, wrong, vindictive ..... it's just not right, and doesn't teach anything to either party involved. not good.
SOOOO, after my over analyzing simple tshirts.... i have no idea how i will parent my kids when they start dating..... i'm having a hard enough time making it thru today. it's easy to say what you won't do.... but what about the will do???? i can pray over them, try & create a loving, safe environment for them. i can model what a healthy relationship looks like, teach them right & wrong, respect etc., i can set up boundaries, establish trust, rewards & freedom..... i can meet the significant other..... i don't know..... the road is hard & will take work, but our children are worth it. one day i will have to battle that, but i believe in the power of love. i just hope i can express & teach that positively.
end transmission. ;)
Friday, June 14, 2013
Double Standard
i have a lot of thoughts mulling thru my head right now......
things like i want to be amazing, awesome & and impact my world around me, but at the same time i do nothing to better my environment & self.
i look around at all the other moms, bloggers, friends & family. even at their most crazy, mixed up days they are beautiful & in my mind put together. now i know you aren't supposed to compare, but how else do you set a standard. and you should admire & respect but not judge.... like that whole saying if you ask a fish to climb a tree...... point is today i am looking at the world around me & i see beauty everywhere except with in. which sucks.
my point in hand:
my boys were home all day..... we "spent time" together in the sense we were all in the same room & watched the same show & talked (some)..... but we didn't "do" anything together..... nothing productive...
i don't even think i read to my kids today!!!! which stinks super big mom balls.
my almost 3yr old was sick today & super snuggly, so yes, that was part of my day.......
i did some dishes & a load of laundry..... but considering i think i have 8 loads of clothes & 4-5 of blankets & sheets..... one load is nothing...... same w/ the dishes..... you should see what hasn't gotten cleaned......
i spent today in a house full of kids & i don't think i positively impacted them at all. no prayers, no speeches, no songs, just blah.
at one point today i had 11kids and if the other 3 had still been at the house it would've been 14. they did play outside and played well together but that had nothing to do w/ me. i will say watching my kids & their family/friends play makes me happy. they are very creative children.
anyway i have nothing profound to say. my misfit motherhood brings nothing positive to the table.... at least today. did they survive today? were they fed? are they all in bed now? sure, but again, my attitude, my heart cry, man..... days like this i could easily be cut out & no one would know. and in here lies the double standard..... i want independent children, capable, free thinkers, gearing up for adulthood, and yet i still want to impact their lives. i should be able to have both, but have forgotten how to interact w/ them, i've lost my way, and instead of just playing w/ them, or inviting them to help me in the kitchen, or fold laundry, we are living seperate lives......
i want this blog to be my journal, outlet, place to gather my thoughts, vent & sort thru my madness to find my reality, but i'd love for it to be read by others to help them, encourage them, show them that maybe they aren't alone in the struggle for better & the feeling of giving up. but i'd have to be making a difference, putting myself out there & teaching by living in a way that proves practical. i think i am pushing people away, rather than bring them closer.......
DOUBLE STANDARD...... it seems it is my life.....
it's all about perspective. how do you see your life, what you do & how you measure up. are you good enough or barely making it. earlier in the kitchen i decided my word for the day was perspective. i can't remember what sparked it... i think it had something to do w/ the kids. amazing how that word can really impact others & move mountains. how one can see the potential in something while some one else sees junk........ i guess it's the same for me. although lately it is hard to see any worth in me, especially b/c i know what i am striving for & where i actually dwell. my heart, mind & body are nothing more than a bump in the road.........
i have also realized i really want to make this blog POP for my own satisfaction and for the occasional passerby. but i also realize i know nothing of this technology.... i haven't taken a computer class since i was like 15 or 16...... i haven't played around w/ this site to figure out how to put on pictures etc..... but at the same time i don't take the time to learn...... i want it to magically be fixed, and as much as i'd love to ask my sister, that would mean i reveal to her my blog.... and like i said i don't really know if i want to do that. so here i sit, knowing what to do, and not doing it b/c????? who knows......
should i keep going??? part of me thinks i could let this really spiral out of control.... the other part thinks i need to just chill out. try to find the silver lining. i can always do that for someone else, but for myself??? sometimes it's just hard...... maybe i demand too much?? but i feel like that's a kid who should receive an f but the teacher wants to build their self esteem..... even though they didn't earn a higher grade it was given to make the child feel better...... i think today i probably just passed as a mom, but i really want to score high in this area b/c it's the one that really matters. not to mention it's my only job....... if this was a paying job i would've taken a pay cut, loss of position or been fired by now.......
i guess that is when i should pipe in and say well be grateful for that. your family has kept you around, tomorrow is another day, God's grace is sufficient....... His mercies are new every morning.... these are hard truths to accept when you don't want to believe them...... i mean i know God loves me, i don't doubt that. i understand He paid the highest price b/c He thought i was worth it, I get b/c of His righteousness i am forgiven, and yet??? i hesitate..... by world standards, and by my own, i feel i fail, i feel i need to be held accountable, i need to be punished, hated, discarded..... BUT God's love isn't dependent on anything i do, it is unconditional. meaning it never stops, even if i hate & hate myself, if i'm lazy, if i sit like a lump, if i hide my head..... but i also feel that God can be disappointed, and He does have righteous anger.... SO..... how does that work? My worth is based not on what i can do, God has given me gifts & talents to use & invites me into His work, but if i do nothing w/ any of it??? will it not sadden Him, or even upset Him? Do i feel i need to earn His love, even though i know that is so far from the truth? or am i trying to prove myself to Him & me by doing something w/ my life. if i waste it, isn't that being an ungrateful child? spoiled even??? but then i think it isn't actually supposed to be me, but Christ in me. He is supposed to be my strength, shield, wisdom, Counselor, Truth, my armor, my Salvation.... the list is endless..... so if i am finding my purpose & being in Christ, then am i really lacking??? and the more i seek Him, will i automatically live intentionally?? have i always been lazy in my thinking?? how do i cultivate the fruits of the Spirit? or do i have to wait for Him to do it?? but aren't we told to persevere & run the race marked out for us??? not stand at the side lines, not stay at the start, but run & finish???? so we have to make an effort even if it's God working thru us right????? ugh, it seems like i don't have the answers today, and man's wisdom is not God's. so it looks like i need to spend some time reading my Bible.........
Dear God, before i read my Bible i just wanted to say a quick prayer..... or what i hope will be quick. thank you for today. even if i didn't spend it the way i'd like, or even the way that best honored You, thank you for it anyway. thank you that i survived all the kids, even when my heart grew bitter and annoyed. they are Your blessings. help me to always rejoice & treat them like blessings. keep my cold heart warm w/ Your love. God, i thank you that david went out to jam w/ some friends tonight. i ask that you will let him enjoy his evening. and i'm sorry that lately it seems i am meeting NONE of his needs. i loathe that about myself. seriously.... Lord God i admit right now to You many times recently i have wanted to be rescued from my marriage but then there are times when i want nothing more than to have our marriage work. Lord help me show love to my husband. let me have Your supernatural love that forgives, and keeps no record of wrong. that looks at my hubby w/ untainted eyes, and desires only him after You. grow my relationship, strengthen, restore & revive our union. protect it. also my love for you. make me a diligent seeker of You. let me hunger & thirst for You so only You can satisfy. last but not least thank you for my children & the other children i get to see. Lord let me see them as Your blessings. grow them b/c they are your children on loan to me. teach & guide them. let them always seek Your face first, in all matters. create hearts of prayer, attitudes of love & generosity. let them walk in peace shinning Your light where ever they go. thank you for my children, my nieces, nephew, "adopted" kids & more. help me to love them as You do.
amen
things like i want to be amazing, awesome & and impact my world around me, but at the same time i do nothing to better my environment & self.
i look around at all the other moms, bloggers, friends & family. even at their most crazy, mixed up days they are beautiful & in my mind put together. now i know you aren't supposed to compare, but how else do you set a standard. and you should admire & respect but not judge.... like that whole saying if you ask a fish to climb a tree...... point is today i am looking at the world around me & i see beauty everywhere except with in. which sucks.
my point in hand:
my boys were home all day..... we "spent time" together in the sense we were all in the same room & watched the same show & talked (some)..... but we didn't "do" anything together..... nothing productive...
i don't even think i read to my kids today!!!! which stinks super big mom balls.
my almost 3yr old was sick today & super snuggly, so yes, that was part of my day.......
i did some dishes & a load of laundry..... but considering i think i have 8 loads of clothes & 4-5 of blankets & sheets..... one load is nothing...... same w/ the dishes..... you should see what hasn't gotten cleaned......
i spent today in a house full of kids & i don't think i positively impacted them at all. no prayers, no speeches, no songs, just blah.
at one point today i had 11kids and if the other 3 had still been at the house it would've been 14. they did play outside and played well together but that had nothing to do w/ me. i will say watching my kids & their family/friends play makes me happy. they are very creative children.
anyway i have nothing profound to say. my misfit motherhood brings nothing positive to the table.... at least today. did they survive today? were they fed? are they all in bed now? sure, but again, my attitude, my heart cry, man..... days like this i could easily be cut out & no one would know. and in here lies the double standard..... i want independent children, capable, free thinkers, gearing up for adulthood, and yet i still want to impact their lives. i should be able to have both, but have forgotten how to interact w/ them, i've lost my way, and instead of just playing w/ them, or inviting them to help me in the kitchen, or fold laundry, we are living seperate lives......
i want this blog to be my journal, outlet, place to gather my thoughts, vent & sort thru my madness to find my reality, but i'd love for it to be read by others to help them, encourage them, show them that maybe they aren't alone in the struggle for better & the feeling of giving up. but i'd have to be making a difference, putting myself out there & teaching by living in a way that proves practical. i think i am pushing people away, rather than bring them closer.......
DOUBLE STANDARD...... it seems it is my life.....
it's all about perspective. how do you see your life, what you do & how you measure up. are you good enough or barely making it. earlier in the kitchen i decided my word for the day was perspective. i can't remember what sparked it... i think it had something to do w/ the kids. amazing how that word can really impact others & move mountains. how one can see the potential in something while some one else sees junk........ i guess it's the same for me. although lately it is hard to see any worth in me, especially b/c i know what i am striving for & where i actually dwell. my heart, mind & body are nothing more than a bump in the road.........
i have also realized i really want to make this blog POP for my own satisfaction and for the occasional passerby. but i also realize i know nothing of this technology.... i haven't taken a computer class since i was like 15 or 16...... i haven't played around w/ this site to figure out how to put on pictures etc..... but at the same time i don't take the time to learn...... i want it to magically be fixed, and as much as i'd love to ask my sister, that would mean i reveal to her my blog.... and like i said i don't really know if i want to do that. so here i sit, knowing what to do, and not doing it b/c????? who knows......
should i keep going??? part of me thinks i could let this really spiral out of control.... the other part thinks i need to just chill out. try to find the silver lining. i can always do that for someone else, but for myself??? sometimes it's just hard...... maybe i demand too much?? but i feel like that's a kid who should receive an f but the teacher wants to build their self esteem..... even though they didn't earn a higher grade it was given to make the child feel better...... i think today i probably just passed as a mom, but i really want to score high in this area b/c it's the one that really matters. not to mention it's my only job....... if this was a paying job i would've taken a pay cut, loss of position or been fired by now.......
i guess that is when i should pipe in and say well be grateful for that. your family has kept you around, tomorrow is another day, God's grace is sufficient....... His mercies are new every morning.... these are hard truths to accept when you don't want to believe them...... i mean i know God loves me, i don't doubt that. i understand He paid the highest price b/c He thought i was worth it, I get b/c of His righteousness i am forgiven, and yet??? i hesitate..... by world standards, and by my own, i feel i fail, i feel i need to be held accountable, i need to be punished, hated, discarded..... BUT God's love isn't dependent on anything i do, it is unconditional. meaning it never stops, even if i hate & hate myself, if i'm lazy, if i sit like a lump, if i hide my head..... but i also feel that God can be disappointed, and He does have righteous anger.... SO..... how does that work? My worth is based not on what i can do, God has given me gifts & talents to use & invites me into His work, but if i do nothing w/ any of it??? will it not sadden Him, or even upset Him? Do i feel i need to earn His love, even though i know that is so far from the truth? or am i trying to prove myself to Him & me by doing something w/ my life. if i waste it, isn't that being an ungrateful child? spoiled even??? but then i think it isn't actually supposed to be me, but Christ in me. He is supposed to be my strength, shield, wisdom, Counselor, Truth, my armor, my Salvation.... the list is endless..... so if i am finding my purpose & being in Christ, then am i really lacking??? and the more i seek Him, will i automatically live intentionally?? have i always been lazy in my thinking?? how do i cultivate the fruits of the Spirit? or do i have to wait for Him to do it?? but aren't we told to persevere & run the race marked out for us??? not stand at the side lines, not stay at the start, but run & finish???? so we have to make an effort even if it's God working thru us right????? ugh, it seems like i don't have the answers today, and man's wisdom is not God's. so it looks like i need to spend some time reading my Bible.........
Dear God, before i read my Bible i just wanted to say a quick prayer..... or what i hope will be quick. thank you for today. even if i didn't spend it the way i'd like, or even the way that best honored You, thank you for it anyway. thank you that i survived all the kids, even when my heart grew bitter and annoyed. they are Your blessings. help me to always rejoice & treat them like blessings. keep my cold heart warm w/ Your love. God, i thank you that david went out to jam w/ some friends tonight. i ask that you will let him enjoy his evening. and i'm sorry that lately it seems i am meeting NONE of his needs. i loathe that about myself. seriously.... Lord God i admit right now to You many times recently i have wanted to be rescued from my marriage but then there are times when i want nothing more than to have our marriage work. Lord help me show love to my husband. let me have Your supernatural love that forgives, and keeps no record of wrong. that looks at my hubby w/ untainted eyes, and desires only him after You. grow my relationship, strengthen, restore & revive our union. protect it. also my love for you. make me a diligent seeker of You. let me hunger & thirst for You so only You can satisfy. last but not least thank you for my children & the other children i get to see. Lord let me see them as Your blessings. grow them b/c they are your children on loan to me. teach & guide them. let them always seek Your face first, in all matters. create hearts of prayer, attitudes of love & generosity. let them walk in peace shinning Your light where ever they go. thank you for my children, my nieces, nephew, "adopted" kids & more. help me to love them as You do.
amen
Thursday, June 13, 2013
lost in a sea of solutions
i am finding i love vinegar & baking soda. they are a hot commodity in my house. from stinky laundry to soaking feet and everything in between. i never seem to have my laundry all clean & put away. many times the wash sits til it stinks so hot water + baking soda & vinegar save the day.
i have been walking a fine line in my heart today. the desire to love my husband & the desire for better. i want better in my personal life & better in my marriage. the dangerous part comes in when i start to wonder if my husband and i can create better together or separately. i know i love my husband, but there are times my heart falters w/ being in love with him. i don't expect warm fuzzies, but i do desire respect & love. then the question comes into play well am i showing him respect and love??? many days i worry i don't. so how can i expect something from my man when he gets none. it is a vicious cycle of pain.
it's a hard line to walk when you know some days he can't help himself. he is bipolar. he has bad days, days where he is moody, mean & really can't function. but where do i draw the line? when do i say i understand you are hurting but i still need to know i am loved & valued & i will not take that attitude from you. but on the flip side, i promised to love him in sickness & in health. and when he would get that cranky when we were first married it hurt bad, but it didn't seem to cause me as much harm (emotional & spiritual). not to mention when we were first married i was so head over heels i never doubted our relationship. actually until this last year & a half i never, ever doubted our relationship. considering i've known him since i was 13, started dating him when i was 15 and married him at 18, it has been a really long time w/o doubt. maybe that's why these feelings are so confusing and hard. i am challenged to continue to love &serve no matter what, but also challenged that i should respect myself and find my voice again.
i feel like the girl who couldn't laugh. or in my case, the girl who forgot how to laugh. now i'm sure this entry sounds down & sad. but i hope i am conveying more a sense of confusion. there are some books i'd like to read about relationships but i can't find them at the library & i don't have $$ to order them for the kindle. so maybe next month i can read them. until then i think i will create a check list of attitudes & doing.....
today i am going to read my Bible, pray over my family & try to clean up around the house. it's a huge bump in the road for us b/c my hubby feels loved if the house is clean, but i am horrible at cleaning the house! ugh
also the kids and i have done nothing except eat food & watch tv..... it's mid day now. so i think we need to go do something. or at least turn off all the screen items. i think i have forgotten how to interact w/ my kids. it's like fun has been sucked from my marrow.
anyhoo, onto prayer & scripture reading. i'm going to share it here b/c sometimes prayer & scripture needs to be shared to help others..... and b/c i view this blog as more of a journal. and a big portions of my prayers i write down.
Dear God, You see into my inner most parts. my hidden places are not hidden from You. You see the struggle & heartache i feel. You God understand that i feel like i'm fake & real. that i am trying too hard, and not trying at all. that my priorities are so out of whack that i have forgotten how to love, serve & interact w/ the blessings of people you have given me. please help me to cultivate the areas of my life you have given me. to live as light & positively impact my circle of influence. i want to serve You & bring You joy. i also know the more i give to You the more You will bless me. thank you for always caring for Your children, thank you for allowing me to be a daughter of the Risen King.
God? please help my husband to feel better today. heal his headache & give him energy & strength for today. i ask that if and when we interact with him today it will be filled w/ love. mend the relationships he has w/ his own parents & our children. bring peace & allow Your light to shine thru david. he can be such a testament to You. all that You have delivered him from, healed him of & how You still carry him. God let him always point to You. i have said he has the passion of david, the boldness of paul & the mind of sampson. help him to see his purpose & use his gifts to positively Kingdom build. thank you that he loves you.
Lord? You know the hearts of my children. you know that yesterday after school my oldest had an encounter w/ a trouble-maker. please protect my 3 olders from pain, bullies & fear. allow them to have hearts filled w/ love & purpose. let them learn what You want them to know, and walk in Your love & peace. help them to forgive easily & trust in You. give them a confidence & assurance that only can come from You & Your great love. let them rest in Your strong tower. thank you that they are never alone b/c You Lord are with them. remind them that You go before them & walk w/ them. You lead them to pastures of peace & tranquility & protect them when they walk thru dangerous places. help them persevere so they do not dwell in the land of pain but rejoice in Your great love.
Jesus? i ask that my two littles at home will have a productive day. that they will have fun together & with their family. let them grow in Your love & grace. allow them total health: mind, body, soul/spirit. You have created the each uniquely & they are Yours. train them up in Your ways. open their hearts & minds to You. let me be a good example today. but if i fail don't let me trip them up. let them always fall back on You & be covered in prayer. You are the armor & Teacher. love them today.
Lastly Lord Daddy God, i ask as i open Your scripture, Your love letter & instruction book that Your Spirit will speak Truth & Life into my soul. that i will be challenged & live for You. that i will remember & know how to live. grow wisdom in my heart & mind. let me see & know You. help me to understand & live by Your standards. pour Your love out & thru me. let my life be a sea of love, over powering, refreshing, cleansing, etc. let my life bring You glory & point to You. amen
chp 13 of proverbs "walk w/ the wise" vs 3 talks about careful speech = careful life, vs 4 says energetic people have something to show for in life. vs 9 works w/ the theme of today "the lives of good people are brightly lit streets;" God b/c of Your love & Jesus i am made righteous, let my life shine vs15 "sound thinking makes for gracious living" again, Lord let Your wisdom, truth & logic set me free from doubt, pain & destruction. cultivate in me a grateful heart & capture my hurtful thoughts.
i have been walking a fine line in my heart today. the desire to love my husband & the desire for better. i want better in my personal life & better in my marriage. the dangerous part comes in when i start to wonder if my husband and i can create better together or separately. i know i love my husband, but there are times my heart falters w/ being in love with him. i don't expect warm fuzzies, but i do desire respect & love. then the question comes into play well am i showing him respect and love??? many days i worry i don't. so how can i expect something from my man when he gets none. it is a vicious cycle of pain.
it's a hard line to walk when you know some days he can't help himself. he is bipolar. he has bad days, days where he is moody, mean & really can't function. but where do i draw the line? when do i say i understand you are hurting but i still need to know i am loved & valued & i will not take that attitude from you. but on the flip side, i promised to love him in sickness & in health. and when he would get that cranky when we were first married it hurt bad, but it didn't seem to cause me as much harm (emotional & spiritual). not to mention when we were first married i was so head over heels i never doubted our relationship. actually until this last year & a half i never, ever doubted our relationship. considering i've known him since i was 13, started dating him when i was 15 and married him at 18, it has been a really long time w/o doubt. maybe that's why these feelings are so confusing and hard. i am challenged to continue to love &serve no matter what, but also challenged that i should respect myself and find my voice again.
i feel like the girl who couldn't laugh. or in my case, the girl who forgot how to laugh. now i'm sure this entry sounds down & sad. but i hope i am conveying more a sense of confusion. there are some books i'd like to read about relationships but i can't find them at the library & i don't have $$ to order them for the kindle. so maybe next month i can read them. until then i think i will create a check list of attitudes & doing.....
today i am going to read my Bible, pray over my family & try to clean up around the house. it's a huge bump in the road for us b/c my hubby feels loved if the house is clean, but i am horrible at cleaning the house! ugh
also the kids and i have done nothing except eat food & watch tv..... it's mid day now. so i think we need to go do something. or at least turn off all the screen items. i think i have forgotten how to interact w/ my kids. it's like fun has been sucked from my marrow.
anyhoo, onto prayer & scripture reading. i'm going to share it here b/c sometimes prayer & scripture needs to be shared to help others..... and b/c i view this blog as more of a journal. and a big portions of my prayers i write down.
Dear God, You see into my inner most parts. my hidden places are not hidden from You. You see the struggle & heartache i feel. You God understand that i feel like i'm fake & real. that i am trying too hard, and not trying at all. that my priorities are so out of whack that i have forgotten how to love, serve & interact w/ the blessings of people you have given me. please help me to cultivate the areas of my life you have given me. to live as light & positively impact my circle of influence. i want to serve You & bring You joy. i also know the more i give to You the more You will bless me. thank you for always caring for Your children, thank you for allowing me to be a daughter of the Risen King.
God? please help my husband to feel better today. heal his headache & give him energy & strength for today. i ask that if and when we interact with him today it will be filled w/ love. mend the relationships he has w/ his own parents & our children. bring peace & allow Your light to shine thru david. he can be such a testament to You. all that You have delivered him from, healed him of & how You still carry him. God let him always point to You. i have said he has the passion of david, the boldness of paul & the mind of sampson. help him to see his purpose & use his gifts to positively Kingdom build. thank you that he loves you.
Lord? You know the hearts of my children. you know that yesterday after school my oldest had an encounter w/ a trouble-maker. please protect my 3 olders from pain, bullies & fear. allow them to have hearts filled w/ love & purpose. let them learn what You want them to know, and walk in Your love & peace. help them to forgive easily & trust in You. give them a confidence & assurance that only can come from You & Your great love. let them rest in Your strong tower. thank you that they are never alone b/c You Lord are with them. remind them that You go before them & walk w/ them. You lead them to pastures of peace & tranquility & protect them when they walk thru dangerous places. help them persevere so they do not dwell in the land of pain but rejoice in Your great love.
Jesus? i ask that my two littles at home will have a productive day. that they will have fun together & with their family. let them grow in Your love & grace. allow them total health: mind, body, soul/spirit. You have created the each uniquely & they are Yours. train them up in Your ways. open their hearts & minds to You. let me be a good example today. but if i fail don't let me trip them up. let them always fall back on You & be covered in prayer. You are the armor & Teacher. love them today.
Lastly Lord Daddy God, i ask as i open Your scripture, Your love letter & instruction book that Your Spirit will speak Truth & Life into my soul. that i will be challenged & live for You. that i will remember & know how to live. grow wisdom in my heart & mind. let me see & know You. help me to understand & live by Your standards. pour Your love out & thru me. let my life be a sea of love, over powering, refreshing, cleansing, etc. let my life bring You glory & point to You. amen
chp 13 of proverbs "walk w/ the wise" vs 3 talks about careful speech = careful life, vs 4 says energetic people have something to show for in life. vs 9 works w/ the theme of today "the lives of good people are brightly lit streets;" God b/c of Your love & Jesus i am made righteous, let my life shine vs15 "sound thinking makes for gracious living" again, Lord let Your wisdom, truth & logic set me free from doubt, pain & destruction. cultivate in me a grateful heart & capture my hurtful thoughts.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
i don't wanna!
how many times in life do we say or think "i don't want to"?
i've had many opportunities to say that today. i am looking back on my day & it can all be summed up into that little sentence. well if that's the summary i guess i can stop writing.
truthfully i am finding my blog writing to be hard in the evening. i think i may start writing little posts all day long. so my mind will literally be transcribed onto the internet..... a great way to cleanse my brain of worry etc, and maybe sift thru real problems.
today i am falling asleep at the key board. trying to explain & express my thought process while my body is saying screw you I want sleep! i think the keyword of the day is perseverance. i spent 6hrs today cleaning my mother in law's house. she is a hoarder by trade & there was a lot of stuff to sort, organize & throw out. i wish i could be the clean house team & get her spotless, organized & updated. but alas it was just me and the radio on the tv. thank you in laws for having direct tv w/ music channels [note before leaving the house while having my time w/ the Lord i was saying "i don't wanna" but knew i had to serve today]
i must say the college rock coffee house channel was VERY misleading. it said it was going to have a good mix of music..... it did not! it gave a mellow vibe & i was able to start cleaning but i was expecting a more intense and varied selection. my sister in law stopped in for a bit while i was cleaning. she suggested i change the channel. i had planned on it but was waiting til i made it to the living room to change it. like a reward for getting the back of the house clean, i'd get better music.
let me say the malt shop oldies channel was very good. i could sing, dance & clean to all the songs. the only problem is i heard a great song & can not remember it at all. i wanted to post it to my hubby's fb page but i have no idea who sang it, or what it was called. i've tried to locate the playlist for the station but i've been getting internet run around. plus like i said i'm too tired.
my mind while cleaning & walking home wandered to & from various topics today. from sex w/ my man to worshiping the Lord. i've thought about cleaning, how helping my mother in law makes me want to help my mom w/ her apt. how i wish i could do more, yet can't/didn't. wondering how my hubby and i have ups & downs physically. wondering how i can make our bedroom place a safe spot for him to express himself & desire me. running ideas, scenarios & books i should read. feeling guilty about all the stuff that i had to toss from my mom in law's place b/c it was ruined. wondering how my 90yr old grandma is doing. hearing about how she has dementia and now throws her own "i don't wanna" tantrums. how our life cycle can sometimes go in full circles. we are born dependent & often are dependent once more before death comes a calling.
leaving to go home for the day i again encountered "the i don't wanna" phrase. i didn't want to take a $$ offering from my mother in law, so i left before she could try give me some. i didn't wanna take the bus, but i didn't wanna walk home. i realized i should walk home b/c i need the exercise, but i also noticed the only reason i was hesitant on the bus ride was b/c i was being fearful. fear of what, i'm not sure. maybe b/c i was stinky & dirty from cleaning & didn't want to sit too close to someone & offend. maybe b/c a past bus experience left me scarred & apprehensive..... maybe i was just tired. so i half walked, then caught a bus, and then walked the rest of the way home. it is a long walk from my house to my mom in law's house & vice versa.
again i encountered the "i don't wanna" when thinking about what i had to do when i got home. i made a list in my head, i had to spend time w/ family (i really was missing them), make dinner, shower, wash laundry & i wanted to blog a bit. i compromised..... sort of..... i washed myself, made dinner, hung out w/ the family over dinner & cartoons, put the babes to bed, talked w/ my mom who just came back from maine and am now having verbal diarrhea on the internet. sort of hung out w/ the hubby & didn't clean a single thing at my house.
i am not going to feel guilty about all i haven't accomplished. i am now just going to be satisfied & go to bed. my brain is kicking now, and wants to post scripture & fun pinterest things to this blog, but my body is saying bed & my laptop is saying charge me.
sooo, i am saying i don't wanna go to bed. but i will. today is all about accomplishing the i don't wannas. perseverance.
i've had many opportunities to say that today. i am looking back on my day & it can all be summed up into that little sentence. well if that's the summary i guess i can stop writing.
truthfully i am finding my blog writing to be hard in the evening. i think i may start writing little posts all day long. so my mind will literally be transcribed onto the internet..... a great way to cleanse my brain of worry etc, and maybe sift thru real problems.
today i am falling asleep at the key board. trying to explain & express my thought process while my body is saying screw you I want sleep! i think the keyword of the day is perseverance. i spent 6hrs today cleaning my mother in law's house. she is a hoarder by trade & there was a lot of stuff to sort, organize & throw out. i wish i could be the clean house team & get her spotless, organized & updated. but alas it was just me and the radio on the tv. thank you in laws for having direct tv w/ music channels [note before leaving the house while having my time w/ the Lord i was saying "i don't wanna" but knew i had to serve today]
i must say the college rock coffee house channel was VERY misleading. it said it was going to have a good mix of music..... it did not! it gave a mellow vibe & i was able to start cleaning but i was expecting a more intense and varied selection. my sister in law stopped in for a bit while i was cleaning. she suggested i change the channel. i had planned on it but was waiting til i made it to the living room to change it. like a reward for getting the back of the house clean, i'd get better music.
let me say the malt shop oldies channel was very good. i could sing, dance & clean to all the songs. the only problem is i heard a great song & can not remember it at all. i wanted to post it to my hubby's fb page but i have no idea who sang it, or what it was called. i've tried to locate the playlist for the station but i've been getting internet run around. plus like i said i'm too tired.
my mind while cleaning & walking home wandered to & from various topics today. from sex w/ my man to worshiping the Lord. i've thought about cleaning, how helping my mother in law makes me want to help my mom w/ her apt. how i wish i could do more, yet can't/didn't. wondering how my hubby and i have ups & downs physically. wondering how i can make our bedroom place a safe spot for him to express himself & desire me. running ideas, scenarios & books i should read. feeling guilty about all the stuff that i had to toss from my mom in law's place b/c it was ruined. wondering how my 90yr old grandma is doing. hearing about how she has dementia and now throws her own "i don't wanna" tantrums. how our life cycle can sometimes go in full circles. we are born dependent & often are dependent once more before death comes a calling.
leaving to go home for the day i again encountered "the i don't wanna" phrase. i didn't want to take a $$ offering from my mother in law, so i left before she could try give me some. i didn't wanna take the bus, but i didn't wanna walk home. i realized i should walk home b/c i need the exercise, but i also noticed the only reason i was hesitant on the bus ride was b/c i was being fearful. fear of what, i'm not sure. maybe b/c i was stinky & dirty from cleaning & didn't want to sit too close to someone & offend. maybe b/c a past bus experience left me scarred & apprehensive..... maybe i was just tired. so i half walked, then caught a bus, and then walked the rest of the way home. it is a long walk from my house to my mom in law's house & vice versa.
again i encountered the "i don't wanna" when thinking about what i had to do when i got home. i made a list in my head, i had to spend time w/ family (i really was missing them), make dinner, shower, wash laundry & i wanted to blog a bit. i compromised..... sort of..... i washed myself, made dinner, hung out w/ the family over dinner & cartoons, put the babes to bed, talked w/ my mom who just came back from maine and am now having verbal diarrhea on the internet. sort of hung out w/ the hubby & didn't clean a single thing at my house.
i am not going to feel guilty about all i haven't accomplished. i am now just going to be satisfied & go to bed. my brain is kicking now, and wants to post scripture & fun pinterest things to this blog, but my body is saying bed & my laptop is saying charge me.
sooo, i am saying i don't wanna go to bed. but i will. today is all about accomplishing the i don't wannas. perseverance.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Fantasy vs. Reality
i think now it is time to introduce myself, briefly. why? b/c the best way to know me will be thru my mind, heart & soul. not my introduction.
i am a 30yr old who is married & has 5 kids. yes i am a stay at home mother but i am no where close to the 50's mama, or the wonderful new breed of stay at home hotties. i have pledged my love to God, and a bipolar mess of a man. life is held together most days by the skin of our teeth. i love to read & dream. many days i walk a fine line btwn dreaming my life away & turning my dreams into my reality. i live in my own world but i like to share it too.
i think this will be more of a rebel blog. it won't always fit the norm & may just bore a brain or two. but in the process i hope it will open minds, expands worlds & allow others to believe life isn't always about order. i encourage you to go check out two other blogs as well. these are two very positive, intelligent ladies who have a drive & perspective on life that is amazing. they are not me and that is a good thing. ps- both are my cousins. and one started her blog today. that's why my last entry was titled not an original. for lots of reasons.... and one b/c when i secretly wanted to start a blog today she publicly started one. lol so here are the addresses of their pages. :)
landofmismatchedsocks.blogspot.com
ok, i do have another cousin that writes but apparently i can't find her link. i will post it as soon as i find it. see??? not the put together lady you thought, huh??? :) [time lapse of 3mins while i ask said cousin & she responds]
ahem... her blog is wonderful & you can click the link here
randomthoughtsofasinglemom-chelle.blogspot.com
so now onto the real beginning. my life, my thoughts & my heart cries. i have been reading and hearing a lot about the mind. about how your surroundings, energy, internal song etc can change who you are and the environment around you. in the next few minutes i am going to popcorn around life.... i am gong to pack all my little today truths in a few short paragraphs. again this is not coherent. if i sat down at the computer when i was learning & getting creative this would've been beautiful. if i had grabbed my journal & pen, then & taken flight this could easily be a copy. but then this wouldn't be my reality. it would simply be the fantasy..... a perfect world where i am all put together....
1)i was watching a comedy w/ my husband (his pick) and a line that stuck me today b/c i chuckled & found truth was this: "kindness is just love w/ its work boots on" WOW think about it that for a minute. just let it resonate. to show love, be kind. to show people you care, be kind. there is a song called love is a verb.
http://youtu.be/WRfFuhrdGKM i heard it when i was a teenager. the truth wasn't lost on me then, but today i was reminded. live a life of love. if we want better, then we need to be the better in the lives of those around us. pour out love, so others can love. love means giving, sharing, work, time, & hugs. it makes you think, is lazy love really love? or if it is love, does it get cheapened, lost or tarnished b/c we do not act on it? many times in my own life & marriage i forget to show how much i care. serving just one more time during the day, cleaning the house to create a calm environment (by the way i hate cleaning), snuggling w/ the kids, reading out loud to someone, the list gets long. did i do enough to show how much i love them? on the flip side, sometimes it is hard to believe someone cares when their words & actions don't match up. or their words and actions to match up but for the negative. it's hard to believe someone loves you if they say it but show constant disrespect & lack of caring. i would normally tangent into the five languages of love. but that is for another time b/c i feel my hubby is growing impatient while i am glued to this computer screen & he would like some focused attention. ;)
2)Gina Lollobrigida (italian actress) said her motto is this: "we are all born to die- the difference is the intensity with which we choose to live" another hit your head moment. lately i've been on the lazy river of life. a go with the flow attitude i've always had but i was more intense. i would go white water rafting down life's river instead of floating down the stream. is it my season of life that has caused me to slow down, or has a piece of me been hidden & strangled to almost death. only a flicker of life in the barren darkness...... unfortunately the truth is i believe pieces of my soul are near death. i have become hidden & fearful. 2 things i don't like about me (right now) i have always been shy but i used to have the courage to move past fears wall & the wisdom to know when to do so. i have made a new determination to reclaim my life & cultivate new life into the farthest corners of my universe. if we are stardust that was sung into existence, i want my soul to once again sing. i must also remember not to wait until life gets perfect or say oh this summer, this summer. but seize the moments of now. now is the time to enjoy, to drink from the river of life & let my cup runneth over. ;)
3)in reading my Bible today the heading for chapter 11 in proverbs was w/o good direction people lose their way. focus, purpose, direction. these are all words that lead to something. that have a deeper meaning beyond the mundane action of the now. if my purpose is to make 100 cookies for a bake sale that benefits cancer research but i get lost in the put cookie dough on pan, place in oven, set timer, take out of oven, cool... repeat. i might forget why i was doing the baking in the first place. [disclaimer: i have not baked cookies to benefit cancer research] http://youtu.be/25VGdNU3nrU this song just popped in my head and has been playing as a sound track while i write so i thought it could be yours while you read.
really the point i am trying to make is what is your intention? what is your focus for the day? they even say for meditation, yoga etc you have to focus. what fantasy do you want to make a reality i your life? do you want to be a super mom? what does that look like? will you wear a cape & pretend to fly w/ your 5yr old son? will you listen to your preteen babble about school even though sometimes it bores you to death? will you become the biggest kink in the bedroom this side of the mississippi? i don't know where your mind wanders to, but i'm sure it does. push for a larger reality. live outside the norm, paint your world.
i dream of a better tomorrow. but i have to live in my moments here. right now i am finishing this up as i stand in the kitchen cooking chicken fingers for my man. i won't do anything eventful. i am going to walk into the living room, watch a movie w/ him while we both eat & probably go to bed. maybe we'll talk about life & it's deeper meaning, he might read a bit of his book out loud to me. but i will stay off the computer while i am in there with him. b/c tonight that is my big accomplishment. showing my guy he doesn't have to contend w/ screen time. i know the tv is a screen but he really doesn't count that.
i am a 30yr old who is married & has 5 kids. yes i am a stay at home mother but i am no where close to the 50's mama, or the wonderful new breed of stay at home hotties. i have pledged my love to God, and a bipolar mess of a man. life is held together most days by the skin of our teeth. i love to read & dream. many days i walk a fine line btwn dreaming my life away & turning my dreams into my reality. i live in my own world but i like to share it too.
i think this will be more of a rebel blog. it won't always fit the norm & may just bore a brain or two. but in the process i hope it will open minds, expands worlds & allow others to believe life isn't always about order. i encourage you to go check out two other blogs as well. these are two very positive, intelligent ladies who have a drive & perspective on life that is amazing. they are not me and that is a good thing. ps- both are my cousins. and one started her blog today. that's why my last entry was titled not an original. for lots of reasons.... and one b/c when i secretly wanted to start a blog today she publicly started one. lol so here are the addresses of their pages. :)
landofmismatchedsocks.blogspot.com
ok, i do have another cousin that writes but apparently i can't find her link. i will post it as soon as i find it. see??? not the put together lady you thought, huh??? :) [time lapse of 3mins while i ask said cousin & she responds]
ahem... her blog is wonderful & you can click the link here
randomthoughtsofasinglemom-chelle.blogspot.com
so now onto the real beginning. my life, my thoughts & my heart cries. i have been reading and hearing a lot about the mind. about how your surroundings, energy, internal song etc can change who you are and the environment around you. in the next few minutes i am going to popcorn around life.... i am gong to pack all my little today truths in a few short paragraphs. again this is not coherent. if i sat down at the computer when i was learning & getting creative this would've been beautiful. if i had grabbed my journal & pen, then & taken flight this could easily be a copy. but then this wouldn't be my reality. it would simply be the fantasy..... a perfect world where i am all put together....
1)i was watching a comedy w/ my husband (his pick) and a line that stuck me today b/c i chuckled & found truth was this: "kindness is just love w/ its work boots on" WOW think about it that for a minute. just let it resonate. to show love, be kind. to show people you care, be kind. there is a song called love is a verb.
http://youtu.be/WRfFuhrdGKM i heard it when i was a teenager. the truth wasn't lost on me then, but today i was reminded. live a life of love. if we want better, then we need to be the better in the lives of those around us. pour out love, so others can love. love means giving, sharing, work, time, & hugs. it makes you think, is lazy love really love? or if it is love, does it get cheapened, lost or tarnished b/c we do not act on it? many times in my own life & marriage i forget to show how much i care. serving just one more time during the day, cleaning the house to create a calm environment (by the way i hate cleaning), snuggling w/ the kids, reading out loud to someone, the list gets long. did i do enough to show how much i love them? on the flip side, sometimes it is hard to believe someone cares when their words & actions don't match up. or their words and actions to match up but for the negative. it's hard to believe someone loves you if they say it but show constant disrespect & lack of caring. i would normally tangent into the five languages of love. but that is for another time b/c i feel my hubby is growing impatient while i am glued to this computer screen & he would like some focused attention. ;)
2)Gina Lollobrigida (italian actress) said her motto is this: "we are all born to die- the difference is the intensity with which we choose to live" another hit your head moment. lately i've been on the lazy river of life. a go with the flow attitude i've always had but i was more intense. i would go white water rafting down life's river instead of floating down the stream. is it my season of life that has caused me to slow down, or has a piece of me been hidden & strangled to almost death. only a flicker of life in the barren darkness...... unfortunately the truth is i believe pieces of my soul are near death. i have become hidden & fearful. 2 things i don't like about me (right now) i have always been shy but i used to have the courage to move past fears wall & the wisdom to know when to do so. i have made a new determination to reclaim my life & cultivate new life into the farthest corners of my universe. if we are stardust that was sung into existence, i want my soul to once again sing. i must also remember not to wait until life gets perfect or say oh this summer, this summer. but seize the moments of now. now is the time to enjoy, to drink from the river of life & let my cup runneth over. ;)
3)in reading my Bible today the heading for chapter 11 in proverbs was w/o good direction people lose their way. focus, purpose, direction. these are all words that lead to something. that have a deeper meaning beyond the mundane action of the now. if my purpose is to make 100 cookies for a bake sale that benefits cancer research but i get lost in the put cookie dough on pan, place in oven, set timer, take out of oven, cool... repeat. i might forget why i was doing the baking in the first place. [disclaimer: i have not baked cookies to benefit cancer research] http://youtu.be/25VGdNU3nrU this song just popped in my head and has been playing as a sound track while i write so i thought it could be yours while you read.
really the point i am trying to make is what is your intention? what is your focus for the day? they even say for meditation, yoga etc you have to focus. what fantasy do you want to make a reality i your life? do you want to be a super mom? what does that look like? will you wear a cape & pretend to fly w/ your 5yr old son? will you listen to your preteen babble about school even though sometimes it bores you to death? will you become the biggest kink in the bedroom this side of the mississippi? i don't know where your mind wanders to, but i'm sure it does. push for a larger reality. live outside the norm, paint your world.
i dream of a better tomorrow. but i have to live in my moments here. right now i am finishing this up as i stand in the kitchen cooking chicken fingers for my man. i won't do anything eventful. i am going to walk into the living room, watch a movie w/ him while we both eat & probably go to bed. maybe we'll talk about life & it's deeper meaning, he might read a bit of his book out loud to me. but i will stay off the computer while i am in there with him. b/c tonight that is my big accomplishment. showing my guy he doesn't have to contend w/ screen time. i know the tv is a screen but he really doesn't count that.
Not an original
today i am embarking on a new adventure..... publicly baring my soul. i can not tell you how many times today i have already written this post in my mind. by the time i finally sat down to the computer all my words had escaped me. you dear internet are left w/ the broken thoughts of a tired mother.
i have mulled this adventure over in my mind. i have hidden blog advice on a secret pinterest board. finally i decided now is the time to write. even my closest & dearest friends & family do not know all that my mind & heart holds. will i tell them about this blog?? i don't know yet. maybe speaking into the abyss will be more soul cleansing than i am prepared for.
i must warn you, this blog will be an adventure. a roller coaster of emotions, thoughts, advice, wisdom, tid bits of information, music, film, books, crafts, cooking, family....... this list is endless. it will not be all good or positive feed. you will encounter raw emotion, logic & life. i will rant, cry, laugh & love. i will spend time praying, praising & posting scripture. i will dance as much as i can thru this computer screen.
this adventure is more for me than for you the reader, but i do invite you to come along w/ me. we are told to share life, we are relational creatures. i am not doing this to gain attention (eg- when i pray it will not be as a show but b/c i need to or am prompted to) i am doing this to share life.
i want others to know they are not alone. i want to feel liberated: free to share & feel. life isn't perfect, life is messy, life is wonderful; & discovering balance & joy in all things furthers our experiences.
i ask that you give this blog a chance. come along with me & see not all moms are perfect. ;)
i have mulled this adventure over in my mind. i have hidden blog advice on a secret pinterest board. finally i decided now is the time to write. even my closest & dearest friends & family do not know all that my mind & heart holds. will i tell them about this blog?? i don't know yet. maybe speaking into the abyss will be more soul cleansing than i am prepared for.
i must warn you, this blog will be an adventure. a roller coaster of emotions, thoughts, advice, wisdom, tid bits of information, music, film, books, crafts, cooking, family....... this list is endless. it will not be all good or positive feed. you will encounter raw emotion, logic & life. i will rant, cry, laugh & love. i will spend time praying, praising & posting scripture. i will dance as much as i can thru this computer screen.
this adventure is more for me than for you the reader, but i do invite you to come along w/ me. we are told to share life, we are relational creatures. i am not doing this to gain attention (eg- when i pray it will not be as a show but b/c i need to or am prompted to) i am doing this to share life.
i want others to know they are not alone. i want to feel liberated: free to share & feel. life isn't perfect, life is messy, life is wonderful; & discovering balance & joy in all things furthers our experiences.
i ask that you give this blog a chance. come along with me & see not all moms are perfect. ;)
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