not a pinup girl

man how i love pin up art.  the beauty, the attraction, the confidence, the feminine power & grace, poise, the list goes on & on for me.  it's hard not to get caught up in the beauty of this world, to believe that your identity is wrapped up in what you look like, that you aren't good enough unless you look a certain way.  please don't get me wrong, i am NOT knocking pin up art.  like i said i love it.  what i am doing is confessing my imbalance.  i know when i was younger i was so secure in who i was, i knew that my beauty came from within, that if i found myself beautiful it didn't matter what anyone else thought.  i also knew that if Christ was for me, who could be against me?  i was empowered, i was beautiful & God's light shone thru me. 

somewhere thru time i stopped believing this.  that is my imbalance.  but i am so thankful to God's faithfulness & His daily reminders that i am beautiful.  i am enough. 

today was an interesting day.  i have these moments that i call self hate days.  they seem to happen once or twice a month before my woman-hood.  i know that may be too much info but i'm being honest & i'm being realistic.  mind you this is no excuse to hate myself but by expecting this to occur i am better able to manage the feelings & dismiss them as false.  i am learning to press into Jesus & find my identity in Him, rather than my misguided ideals.  i am thankful for my husband who is learning & growing & trying to better understand me, to love me where i am at and nurture me.  i too am learning how to support him in love & life. 

when i thought how i wanted to write a blog today i never expected it to take this course.  i honestly thought i was going to write something completely different.  but it seems as my fingers hit the keys, my thoughts turned to my identity instead of my original topic.  you know it's funny b/c i can't even remember what that was going to be. 

i will end this journal entry with several things that will seem a hodge podge of stuff but it has all impacted me in the last 24hrs. 

PAUSE: i am going to digress for a minute b/c the thought just popped in my head & i feel i should type it..... i wonder in the vast land of the 'internets' if someone reads the musings of a misfit mom, if they can in anyway relate to this imperfect mother who is learning to relate to her family, her community & most importantly her God.  i wonder if in all my vague-eries if anyone is stirred with in their souls.  can the reader connect?  i barely discuss my kids, my husband or what i do in life, how i interact with the world.  can anyone be blessed by this?  i know this endeavor is for my own benefit, my random thoughts in an open journal format.....  but i certainly don't want to bring the world down a notch..... 

ok, back to my regularly scheduled lack of planning & stuff i wanted to say. :)
this song i heard during sunday worship & again today.  it is so true.  Lord how i need you

i have read several articles this week about yoga & the practice of.  there was one article that stood out to me in a very real way.  it was the practical applications of life skills.  i will recap it here & then add two verses that i feel correlate really well. :)
there are 10 practices: (& i am summarizing)
non-harming - negative thoughts can equal violence,  *others first*
this woke me up to that self hate i was talking about.  i never thought of myself as being violent, but i have been very violent to my soul.  i need to train myself to think positively & go outside myself more often. :)
truthfulness- encourager, listener
this excited me.  i love to help & to listen, to spur one another on to love & good deeds (hebrews 10:23-25) james 1:19 (quick to listen, slow to speak)
non-stealing- consumption
in this aspect i must learn what consumes me, not just desire, but time too.  am i balanced btwn self, spouse, kids, entertainment etc?  this is an area i struggle with & have to become more intentional.
energy moderation- not urge driven, control senses/feelings
lately i find that i am becoming quick to anger.  i don't like that.  it is a waste of energy & just frustrates me & the others around me.  i need to take a breath & think. "People with understanding control their anger. a hot temper shows great foolishness." (proverbs 14:29) this also goes into negative feelings or desire/lust too. can i control my eating, do i choose to exercise etc
non-grasping- minimalist, gratitude
being thankful everyday, living in the moment, not buying into the idea of always needing better etc.  knowing my needs are met & i have enough. 
purity- knowing who you are, caring for self
i have noticed when i stopped loving myself, i stopped taking care of myself.  i am now trying to rebuild habits, and love the skin i'm in.  this includes basic things like showering, brushing my teeth, from time to time painting my face & learning to incorporate exercise. 
contentment- enjoying the moment, making the best of reality
i am learning to accept where i'm at.  i am where i need to be, to learn & grow here.  yes i can have goals for the future, but i need to live in today so i can get the most out of it. also if i'm constantly wishing for better i'm unhappy with my now, and not actually working towards a better.  "fake it til you make it"
right effort- desire, discipline
to me this is where the rubber meets the road.  i can have dreams, i can set goals & i can shape my reality.  this is closely tied into several other practices.
self study- learning strength, accepting weakness, you are not alone
knowing who you are on a soul level, seeing your positives & negatives & knowing others have gone thru similar trials & can help you thru them.
dedication to highest- surrender self to God, trusting self to benefit "greater good"
this is the ultimate truth, remember the song i posted?  my day is always better when i center it around God, the Author & Creator of all things.  following His plan for me always benefits others & allows my day to run much smoother. :)

these practices reminded me of two verses

 Galatians 5:22-23
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience , kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
i think these biblical fruits come from practical living, the more we use them the more we produce them.  may my tree & yours be abundantly blessed. :)
Philippians 4:13
"And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about."
i remember learning a song as a child that talked about this.  whatever we fill our minds with will spill out into our lives.  it is time to renew my mind with lovely things.