a journey to recovery

i really don't post on here as much as i should.  i'd love to have an accurate documentation of my personal growth & revelations.   but sincerely, who has time for that? :)   maybe one day i'll get a smart phone & jot everything down as it happens, so then i'll have lots of mini posts..... but then again maybe not. :)

lately i have been doing many things to shed the shame, fear & darkness that has clouded my life.  i am allowing myself to learn to love again & find the happiness & joy that comes w/ faith, love & life.  i'm learning to trust myself again & let my sparkle (shine) out.  

i have been praying more, reading more, & trying to create more.  i have a long way to go but it's a journey i'm willing to take. 

here are a few things that i've gathered along the way:

 

"She dances to the songs in her head, speaks with the rhythm of her heart, and loves from the depths of her soul."  Dean Jackson

 



 & my mantra?  "perfect love drives out fear"  it is a piece of a Bible verse.  the whole verse reads: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. "
1 John 4:17-19

seriously venting

today i am venting.  i don't even know if there will be a nugget of wisdom at the end of this post.  i must say i am fed up w/ certain things...........

the first one you ask?  legal drinking age.  this has bothered me since before i could drink legally.  not b/c i was a lush, not b/c i partied, not b/c i was scared to break the law, but b/c the logic is so far off it's crazy.  in our great country the united states of america an 18yr old can fight & die for our country, their ideals & agendas; they can own a car, house, &/or weapon, they can vote (ya know help choose who governs our nation etc), they can marry, they can have children (if they don't already),most have been working for years, they can get into debt, travel the world, are responsible for their own medical care, food choices etc,  BUT you can not drink alcohol.  oh & you can buy cigarettes....(more on that later)  our country is telling people you can do everything else, you are intelligent enough, responsible enough, or at least old enough to learn life lessons for yourself EXCEPT when it comes to alcohol.  why wouldn't people break that law?  why wouldn't people challenge that claim?  i think we have more problems b/c we make it untouchable, or create a stigma w/ it.  other countries have it around, it's normal, they have younger drinking ages & they have less underage drinking because of it.  it is that no complex, our teens/young adults are told no & that makes the desire stronger for it, especially b/c of the extreme limitations on it.  do i acknowledge it can be abused? yes, do i acknowledge that there is a certain gene that predisposes many americans to addictions & thrill seeking?  yes, but that still doesn't mean we should villianize alcohol the way we do.  it's just idiocracy. again, you can die for your country, vote for your leaders, but don't drink......  if people think they aren't responsible enough to drink, what makes them think they are responsible enough for any of the other life events that they face everyday?  it's about education & how we market things. it is about learning how to self govern.

 which also brings me to the issue of cigarettes.... some parts of NY are changing the laws so you have to be 21yrs old to buy cigarettes &/or e-cigs.  now as far as i'm concerned e-cigs (or vaps) are way safer than regular cigarettes. yes, i am not a scientist & yes i know lots of research still has to be done on long term affects, but seriously?  they don't have the toxins & the residue turns into water you exhale.  i know the e-cig world doesn't really have enough $ to fund research & most likely tobacco companies are funding research to disprove anything that would take away from their revenue.......  i know this sounds a bit conspiracy theory.... but i do live w/ a man who can find a conspiracy around every corner, and we really shouldn't be so naive to think that our country isn't run by big corp $.  ok, so i digress...... i do acknowledge cigarettes are bad for you.  i don't like them, but i also feel people can make that choice if they are going to buy/use them or not.  i also feel this age shouldn't be 21.  do they think it will keep early teens from buying these products?  do they think it will discourage the use?  no, it won't, also people who have been able to buy cigarettes at 18 now wouldn't be allowed to.....   seriously i do believe in laws to protect the masses & help our citizens, but i also believe in freedom of choice & the ability to govern oneself.  the best way to tackle these type of issues is thru education & social reform.  sometimes the answer isn't banning or making laws stricter.......

ok, i think i'm finished ranting.  i really just had to get that out there.... no wait, i just remembered one more thing..... (then the phrase one more thing was repeated in my head said in the voice of uncle from the jackie chan cartoons)  in florida there is a school board member who wants to create a dress code for parents as they pick off/drop off kids.......  this bothers me to the nth degree.  she feels that kids will not take their education seriously if parents aren't dressed to a certain standard at the time they drop them at the door.  SERIOUSLY? how dare she!  seriously.  so what about the kids' character, or grades?  how about the fact that the parents are dropping off their kids, attending school functions, making sure their children do their homework.......  how about teaching our kids to accept people regardless of how they look or dress?  to understand that maybe we don't know the lives or schedules of the parents..........  we don't know what their values, neighborhood or income level.   that we can work w/ the children, teach them, let the parents be parents & know that the child will grow & develop to become who they were meant to be thru the influence of their family, neighborhood, education & natural disposition.  it is one thing if the school seeing a need to help families move out of poverty levels, cross language barriers etc try to establish community programs or have a social worker to connect the families to proper organizations to ultimately create healthier families that can prosper, but that's not what she proposed.....  she wanted to push her set of values and judgements on her students & their parents.  unreal.  each person, family, culture etc has a list of priorities.  yes education should be one of them, but how they choose to encourage & foster learning in their children is for the family to decide.  the teacher can & should create an environment that allows students to grow & learn to the best of their ability.  that doesn't need to change just b/c a parent comes to school in pj's w/ curlers in their hair, or a business suit. every child, every human treated equally & fairly.  that is how our next generation will succeed.

not a pinup girl

man how i love pin up art.  the beauty, the attraction, the confidence, the feminine power & grace, poise, the list goes on & on for me.  it's hard not to get caught up in the beauty of this world, to believe that your identity is wrapped up in what you look like, that you aren't good enough unless you look a certain way.  please don't get me wrong, i am NOT knocking pin up art.  like i said i love it.  what i am doing is confessing my imbalance.  i know when i was younger i was so secure in who i was, i knew that my beauty came from within, that if i found myself beautiful it didn't matter what anyone else thought.  i also knew that if Christ was for me, who could be against me?  i was empowered, i was beautiful & God's light shone thru me. 

somewhere thru time i stopped believing this.  that is my imbalance.  but i am so thankful to God's faithfulness & His daily reminders that i am beautiful.  i am enough. 

today was an interesting day.  i have these moments that i call self hate days.  they seem to happen once or twice a month before my woman-hood.  i know that may be too much info but i'm being honest & i'm being realistic.  mind you this is no excuse to hate myself but by expecting this to occur i am better able to manage the feelings & dismiss them as false.  i am learning to press into Jesus & find my identity in Him, rather than my misguided ideals.  i am thankful for my husband who is learning & growing & trying to better understand me, to love me where i am at and nurture me.  i too am learning how to support him in love & life. 

when i thought how i wanted to write a blog today i never expected it to take this course.  i honestly thought i was going to write something completely different.  but it seems as my fingers hit the keys, my thoughts turned to my identity instead of my original topic.  you know it's funny b/c i can't even remember what that was going to be. 

i will end this journal entry with several things that will seem a hodge podge of stuff but it has all impacted me in the last 24hrs. 

PAUSE: i am going to digress for a minute b/c the thought just popped in my head & i feel i should type it..... i wonder in the vast land of the 'internets' if someone reads the musings of a misfit mom, if they can in anyway relate to this imperfect mother who is learning to relate to her family, her community & most importantly her God.  i wonder if in all my vague-eries if anyone is stirred with in their souls.  can the reader connect?  i barely discuss my kids, my husband or what i do in life, how i interact with the world.  can anyone be blessed by this?  i know this endeavor is for my own benefit, my random thoughts in an open journal format.....  but i certainly don't want to bring the world down a notch..... 

ok, back to my regularly scheduled lack of planning & stuff i wanted to say. :)
this song i heard during sunday worship & again today.  it is so true.  Lord how i need you

i have read several articles this week about yoga & the practice of.  there was one article that stood out to me in a very real way.  it was the practical applications of life skills.  i will recap it here & then add two verses that i feel correlate really well. :)
there are 10 practices: (& i am summarizing)
non-harming - negative thoughts can equal violence,  *others first*
this woke me up to that self hate i was talking about.  i never thought of myself as being violent, but i have been very violent to my soul.  i need to train myself to think positively & go outside myself more often. :)
truthfulness- encourager, listener
this excited me.  i love to help & to listen, to spur one another on to love & good deeds (hebrews 10:23-25) james 1:19 (quick to listen, slow to speak)
non-stealing- consumption
in this aspect i must learn what consumes me, not just desire, but time too.  am i balanced btwn self, spouse, kids, entertainment etc?  this is an area i struggle with & have to become more intentional.
energy moderation- not urge driven, control senses/feelings
lately i find that i am becoming quick to anger.  i don't like that.  it is a waste of energy & just frustrates me & the others around me.  i need to take a breath & think. "People with understanding control their anger. a hot temper shows great foolishness." (proverbs 14:29) this also goes into negative feelings or desire/lust too. can i control my eating, do i choose to exercise etc
non-grasping- minimalist, gratitude
being thankful everyday, living in the moment, not buying into the idea of always needing better etc.  knowing my needs are met & i have enough. 
purity- knowing who you are, caring for self
i have noticed when i stopped loving myself, i stopped taking care of myself.  i am now trying to rebuild habits, and love the skin i'm in.  this includes basic things like showering, brushing my teeth, from time to time painting my face & learning to incorporate exercise. 
contentment- enjoying the moment, making the best of reality
i am learning to accept where i'm at.  i am where i need to be, to learn & grow here.  yes i can have goals for the future, but i need to live in today so i can get the most out of it. also if i'm constantly wishing for better i'm unhappy with my now, and not actually working towards a better.  "fake it til you make it"
right effort- desire, discipline
to me this is where the rubber meets the road.  i can have dreams, i can set goals & i can shape my reality.  this is closely tied into several other practices.
self study- learning strength, accepting weakness, you are not alone
knowing who you are on a soul level, seeing your positives & negatives & knowing others have gone thru similar trials & can help you thru them.
dedication to highest- surrender self to God, trusting self to benefit "greater good"
this is the ultimate truth, remember the song i posted?  my day is always better when i center it around God, the Author & Creator of all things.  following His plan for me always benefits others & allows my day to run much smoother. :)

these practices reminded me of two verses

 Galatians 5:22-23
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience , kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
i think these biblical fruits come from practical living, the more we use them the more we produce them.  may my tree & yours be abundantly blessed. :)
Philippians 4:13
"And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about."
i remember learning a song as a child that talked about this.  whatever we fill our minds with will spill out into our lives.  it is time to renew my mind with lovely things.  

just another cliche

i have realized several things recently. 
1) when i embarked on this blogging journey i didn't think it thru.  i have never been able to keep a journal & i thought i could keep a blog.(consistently)....  that was silly
2) when i started this blog i was in a seriously dark spot in life. i know that's why i started it, i needed to feel like i had a voice again
3) where i am now is totally different.  i wish i could've shared my growth & transformation so maybe at least one other soul would've been encouraged, but i didn't
4) i am far from where i want to be, but i feel like a transformation is happening & a real awakening.  i am once again believing i am fully human & fully alive.

i am so thankful that my life isn't over.  but more importantly i am thankful that i am learning to love myself again.  i've always loved others, but i began to believe the lies i've been told for so long.... that i was not worth loving, that i was not good enough, that i am not beautiful, smart, talented etc  i began to hate myself & speak death blows to myself.....  my life was not full of darkness, but my own love tank was low, so low that the love i was receiving i didn't believe was real.  why could they love me? how could they love me? 

now?  i am beginning to believe the truth.  the truth that my Creator designed me in His image.  He is beautiful, wonderful, beyond compare.  If God loves me enough to save me, call me His child, His bride, His friend & desires a relationship w/ me, then i mustn't be that bad.  I began to remember & acknowledge that i am more than my mistakes, the way i look or how i feel.  that i can reclaim myself & the abandoned areas of my life.  that with the Lord Almighty's help i can again be healthy mind, body & soul. 

i still have a long way to go.  i struggle to stay on track, and i fall often, but now i get up.  i will again show my strength & beauty, my love & wisdom.  to be the lioness & life giver i was designed to be.

my hope is to learn & grow to inspire & encourage others.  to point to Jesus & to help/serve those in need.  to above all else walk in the Spirit & to love. 

i am hoping w/in the next month or so to start a new Bible study, to train up in wisdom & truth.  i am going back to school while trying to balance a life at home.  only God can continue to keep our family strong while we walk thru this new time.  i am starting to take dancing.  i've always wanted to dance.  i may start singing again..... who knows. 

the maddening mess

life is messy.  messy can be really good, or messy can be really bad. 

messy is good when you are mud sliding, playing in the rain, finger painting, baking cookies, eating ice cream..... the list is endless of all the good things in life that can be messy......

unfortunately there are times in life when messy is bad..... someone gets hurt, fires, floods, relationship struggles, money troubles.....   again, if you let your mind wander this list can be just as long.......

in my life i have both..... 5 children, a cat & a puppy make messes.....
but i also have bills, a husband w/ an addictive personality & limited income...... 

we are in a mess more uncomfortable financially then i have ever been in....... to be honest this situation is a super test of faith.... and a big stressor........ 

no i haven't read my Bible yet today, so there is no scripture truth to write down right now.... and if i wrote down my inspirational quotes i save that may help..... but in reality all i am going to do is pray.....

dear God, thank you so much for being my Creator & Provider.  You have given me this life & blessed me w/ so much.  please give me the faith to trust you w/ our finances, our home & our children.  please only you can fix our trouble.  i know you can work miracles, i know you can fix all problems & give grace & forgiveness.  You are the Author & Redeemer.....  please give us the strength to endure, the energy to continue forth, and help us trust in You.  thank you for providing & making a way for us to continue to live where we are.  amen

words of wisdom

yes, i have noticed it has been quite a while since i last journaled..... something i have to make a better habit of doing..... all my profound happenings, ideas, funny moments etc happen away from the computer.  if this is a captain's log it does not record as much as it should......  i can see why people fb & twitter so much along w/ instagram....(is that what its called?) b/c they can record all their life moments.....  either way......

here is an entry for today.     words of wisdom, speaking truth into my life. God has really been trying to teach me happiness again.  several things have stuck to my soul these past few days.....

1) don't wait for others & don't listen to their opinions.  speak truth into your soul.  praise the Lord in all things.... believe what He says about you & who you are.  listen to the Creator, not the world around you.  i must take back my life.  i must fight for what is beautiful & deserving.  i am defined by Christ, not the chaos of social ups & downs.

2) a few verses popped off the pages of my Bible tonight.  well all of what i read made an impression but specifically this....1 cor 7:17 and don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else.  where you are right now is God's place for you.  live and obey and love and believe right there.  God, not your marital status, defines your life.  don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. i give this same counsel in all the churches.

that was a wow for me.  live, obey, love & believe right where i am.  that can be really hard.  especially when you are going thru lots of pain, trouble & mistrust.  but i need to lean on God b/c He defines me.  He is my utmost.  yesterday we sang several songs..... all w/ a central theme..... more of Jesus, pour out so Your flame can not be contained!  could you imagine???  in my life, in yours....  a holy fire that spreads the joy & freedom of Christ???? the gratitude that leads you to abundant life, full of love that freely pours out washing over everyone!!!! 

i am b/c of Christ.  my life is a gift, i shouldn't squandor or waste it.  i don't need rescuing b/c God already saved me!  i am where i need to be, i am free!!!!                                      

another day another $

so i haven't posted the last few days which i guess is normal for a blogger but not if you are a journal writer. which is what i am right? lol  who really knows, i don't think i do. :) 

point is today is tuesday but i really wish i had written on sunday & monday.  both days were beautiful, profound & full of lots of meaning.  of course i have recorded none of it.  it's interesting to think in the very mundane life of the everyday you can get glimpses of so much better.  life moves in cycles, circles, pictures, realms & different layers of sound & color.  to be a part of it, to understand the reality & beauty of the dance we share it remarkable.  

so tonight's entry will be more of a recap.  musings over life..... like any other day. :)

this past sunday was father's day.  chock full of worship, fathers & food.  the way it should be.  there was a moment or two where light feet was needed so no drama ensued.  all family has moments of crabbiness, we are human, but w/ love, forgiveness & acceptance you can push forward in life.   

the sermon & worship music sunday was amazing.  no less than i expect & i am grateful when the Spirit speaks life into my soul, challenging me to be better & restoring the brokenness i often bring w/ me.  several songs stuck to me that day, off hand i can't remember them all but i will link a few here . :)
 http://youtu.be/a7QQGPv1Ikc   

this one wasn't in our service sunday but is such a great song & fits.... plus i really can't think offhand what those other songs were....ugh... :)

http://youtu.be/a7QQGPv1Ikc

i know i'm linking a lot & when i finally figure out how to just post the videos into my blog i will do that too, but until then please indulge & go to the links. :) 

i say that b/c i will probably post more, like this one: http://www.villagechurchbflo.com/#/media
for this one, i had wanted a more direct post but it wasn't happening.  either way the sermon was very good & i feel should be shared w/ many people. 

father's day i find is an interesting holiday & one my husband has many issues with.  i love spoiling people so normally this is great fun.  i try to encourage our kids to do the same. i had found a great idea on pinterest but apparently never pinned it b/c when it came time to make the gift.....well i couldn't find it,nor could i remember it either..... so this year we didn't do much ourselves for my hubby.  but more than that he feels he is a lousy father so he shouldn't get a thank you.  he kind of feels like it's a lie.  but aren't we supposed to say i love you unconditionally??? the Bible talks about how anyone can love someone who is nice to them, but it takes supernatural love to love someone who is difficult.  my hubby can be a handful, but that doesn't mean he is undeserving of love.  expressing love can be tricky and i'm not sure how well we've been doing on this front lately.  

my children have officially started their summer vacation this week so we have to establish a new routine.  you know, the when the tv will be on, when we will eat, finish chores etc.  i've been slacking in the accountability department w/ my children & chores.  it sucks and i know it.  soooo, that is an issue that needs some fixing.  also i want this to be a real memory building summer.  you know where you look back & go "oh yea, i remember how awesome that was"  i like doing things.... don't get me wrong, i can totally chill & do nothing all day but i like being busy too. and even when my kids fight me out the door, 9/10 they end up enjoying themselves too.  it's time to get up & move. ;)  or sit & read, but together. :)

last i have seen 2 tshirts today, both bothered me.  i felt both shirts went to extremes & we should really be in the middle as parents....  here is what i mean.

shirt one                                                             shirt two
rules for dating my daughter                             rules for dating my daughter
1.i don't make the rules                                  1.get a job
2. you don't make the rules                            2.understand i don't like you
3. she makes the rules                                    3. i'm everywhere
4. her vagina, her rules                                  4.you hurt her, i hurt you
                                                                     5.be home 30min early
feminist father                                                6.get a lawyer
                                                                     7. if you lie to me, i will find out
                                                                     8.she's my princess, not your conquest
                                                                      9. i don't mind going back to jail
                                                                    10. whatever you do to her, i will do to you

i'm not sure if there was a signature on the 2nd shirt like the first, the print was small..... but you get the jist.  now i understand the 2nd shirt was funny w/ serious undertones b/c i personally know men like this..... but both shirts are wrong.  or at least written poorly...... 
shirt one beef:
i mean yes, parents can & should set rules & guidelines for their children.  the reality is many kids will have sex outside of marriage, but that doesn't mean you don't talk w/ them, set up expectations & guidelines.  you want them safe.  the guy might have boundaries too.  both parties should feel safe & not taken advantage of.  they both should interact w/ each other in respectable ways.  that is how we show we care.  both parties matter.  i know this is referencing sex, but i feel these are too broad of statements......
she makes the rules?  about her body? ok.  about the whole relationship? no.  we do have princesses learning to be queens, but that doesn't mean they have to be narcissistic.  fourth rule, i don't have a big problem w/ it.  it's her body & she should feel comfortable.  but that doesn't mean she gets to boss the guy into uncomfortable situations sexually either.  again both parties must be consenting. 
shirt two:
get a job, presumptuous, what if they have a job?  what if they are in college, what if they do both? what if they will be a stay at home dad, ? you don't like the date?  rude, and ignorant.  that creates tension & rebellion.  it challenges all parties involved. create an environment that shows love & allows you to get to know this person.   then make a judgement call, even then you can't really stop the relationship.....  face reality, you aren't everywhere.  you might want to be, and certainly you hope your kid is conducting themselves in a proper fashion when you aren't around but get real. revenge is not the answer.  we are supposed to be peace makers.  i know sometimes we do need to defend our children, but again reality check.  people get hurt, it sucks.  lets also teach our kids how to heal & forgive.  and yes how to have a good relationship in the first place.  be home early.  eh... this is iffy.  early may show respect, it may show you were bored, it may show nothing.  be where you say you'll be, come home on time.  if you are going to be late call.  we want to know where our kids are for safety but we can't keep them on leashes either. get a lawyer??? why do they need one??? what are you implying?? bad call  i agree here, tell the truth, plain and simple.  the truth is always easiest, so no complaint.  maybe just the way it's stated.  8 isn't bad either. you want your daughter cherished & you want the boy to do that, but i don't know if blunt works for this..... 9. really??? for humor, ok, for a serious rule? no. 10. gross, wrong, vindictive ..... it's just not right, and doesn't teach anything to either party involved.  not good. 


SOOOO, after my over analyzing simple tshirts.... i have no idea how i will parent my kids when they start dating..... i'm having a hard enough time making it thru today.  it's easy to say what you won't do.... but what about the will do????  i can pray over them, try & create a loving, safe environment for them.  i can model what a healthy relationship looks like, teach them right & wrong, respect etc., i can set up boundaries, establish trust, rewards & freedom..... i can meet the significant other..... i don't know..... the road is hard & will take work, but our children are worth it.  one day i will have to battle that, but i believe in the power of love.  i just hope i can express & teach that positively. 

end transmission. ;)