i am finding i love vinegar & baking soda. they are a hot commodity in my house. from stinky laundry to soaking feet and everything in between. i never seem to have my laundry all clean & put away. many times the wash sits til it stinks so hot water + baking soda & vinegar save the day.
i have been walking a fine line in my heart today. the desire to love my husband & the desire for better. i want better in my personal life & better in my marriage. the dangerous part comes in when i start to wonder if my husband and i can create better together or separately. i know i love my husband, but there are times my heart falters w/ being in love with him. i don't expect warm fuzzies, but i do desire respect & love. then the question comes into play well am i showing him respect and love??? many days i worry i don't. so how can i expect something from my man when he gets none. it is a vicious cycle of pain.
it's a hard line to walk when you know some days he can't help himself. he is bipolar. he has bad days, days where he is moody, mean & really can't function. but where do i draw the line? when do i say i understand you are hurting but i still need to know i am loved & valued & i will not take that attitude from you. but on the flip side, i promised to love him in sickness & in health. and when he would get that cranky when we were first married it hurt bad, but it didn't seem to cause me as much harm (emotional & spiritual). not to mention when we were first married i was so head over heels i never doubted our relationship. actually until this last year & a half i never, ever doubted our relationship. considering i've known him since i was 13, started dating him when i was 15 and married him at 18, it has been a really long time w/o doubt. maybe that's why these feelings are so confusing and hard. i am challenged to continue to love &serve no matter what, but also challenged that i should respect myself and find my voice again.
i feel like the girl who couldn't laugh. or in my case, the girl who forgot how to laugh. now i'm sure this entry sounds down & sad. but i hope i am conveying more a sense of confusion. there are some books i'd like to read about relationships but i can't find them at the library & i don't have $$ to order them for the kindle. so maybe next month i can read them. until then i think i will create a check list of attitudes & doing.....
today i am going to read my Bible, pray over my family & try to clean up around the house. it's a huge bump in the road for us b/c my hubby feels loved if the house is clean, but i am horrible at cleaning the house! ugh
also the kids and i have done nothing except eat food & watch tv..... it's mid day now. so i think we need to go do something. or at least turn off all the screen items. i think i have forgotten how to interact w/ my kids. it's like fun has been sucked from my marrow.
anyhoo, onto prayer & scripture reading. i'm going to share it here b/c sometimes prayer & scripture needs to be shared to help others..... and b/c i view this blog as more of a journal. and a big portions of my prayers i write down.
Dear God, You see into my inner most parts. my hidden places are not hidden from You. You see the struggle & heartache i feel. You God understand that i feel like i'm fake & real. that i am trying too hard, and not trying at all. that my priorities are so out of whack that i have forgotten how to love, serve & interact w/ the blessings of people you have given me. please help me to cultivate the areas of my life you have given me. to live as light & positively impact my circle of influence. i want to serve You & bring You joy. i also know the more i give to You the more You will bless me. thank you for always caring for Your children, thank you for allowing me to be a daughter of the Risen King.
God? please help my husband to feel better today. heal his headache & give him energy & strength for today. i ask that if and when we interact with him today it will be filled w/ love. mend the relationships he has w/ his own parents & our children. bring peace & allow Your light to shine thru david. he can be such a testament to You. all that You have delivered him from, healed him of & how You still carry him. God let him always point to You. i have said he has the passion of david, the boldness of paul & the mind of sampson. help him to see his purpose & use his gifts to positively Kingdom build. thank you that he loves you.
Lord? You know the hearts of my children. you know that yesterday after school my oldest had an encounter w/ a trouble-maker. please protect my 3 olders from pain, bullies & fear. allow them to have hearts filled w/ love & purpose. let them learn what You want them to know, and walk in Your love & peace. help them to forgive easily & trust in You. give them a confidence & assurance that only can come from You & Your great love. let them rest in Your strong tower. thank you that they are never alone b/c You Lord are with them. remind them that You go before them & walk w/ them. You lead them to pastures of peace & tranquility & protect them when they walk thru dangerous places. help them persevere so they do not dwell in the land of pain but rejoice in Your great love.
Jesus? i ask that my two littles at home will have a productive day. that they will have fun together & with their family. let them grow in Your love & grace. allow them total health: mind, body, soul/spirit. You have created the each uniquely & they are Yours. train them up in Your ways. open their hearts & minds to You. let me be a good example today. but if i fail don't let me trip them up. let them always fall back on You & be covered in prayer. You are the armor & Teacher. love them today.
Lastly Lord Daddy God, i ask as i open Your scripture, Your love letter & instruction book that Your Spirit will speak Truth & Life into my soul. that i will be challenged & live for You. that i will remember & know how to live. grow wisdom in my heart & mind. let me see & know You. help me to understand & live by Your standards. pour Your love out & thru me. let my life be a sea of love, over powering, refreshing, cleansing, etc. let my life bring You glory & point to You. amen
chp 13 of proverbs "walk w/ the wise" vs 3 talks about careful speech = careful life, vs 4 says energetic people have something to show for in life. vs 9 works w/ the theme of today "the lives of good people are brightly lit streets;" God b/c of Your love & Jesus i am made righteous, let my life shine vs15 "sound thinking makes for gracious living" again, Lord let Your wisdom, truth & logic set me free from doubt, pain & destruction. cultivate in me a grateful heart & capture my hurtful thoughts.
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