Double Standard

i have a lot of thoughts mulling thru my head right now......  

things like i want to be amazing, awesome & and impact my world around me, but at the same time i do nothing to better my environment & self.  

i look around at all the other moms, bloggers, friends & family.  even at their most crazy, mixed up days they are beautiful & in my mind put together.  now i know you aren't supposed to compare, but how else do you set a standard. and you should admire & respect but not judge.... like that whole saying if you ask a fish to climb a tree......    point is today i am looking at the world around me & i see beauty everywhere except with in.  which sucks.   

my point in hand:
my boys were home all day..... we "spent time" together in the sense we were all in the same room & watched the same show & talked (some)..... but we didn't "do" anything together..... nothing productive...

i don't even think i read to my kids today!!!! which stinks super big mom balls.  

my almost 3yr old was sick today & super snuggly, so yes, that was part of my day.......

i did some dishes & a load of laundry..... but considering i think i have 8 loads of clothes & 4-5 of blankets & sheets..... one load is nothing...... same w/ the dishes..... you should see what hasn't gotten cleaned......

i spent today in a house full of kids & i don't think i positively impacted them at all.  no prayers, no speeches, no songs, just blah. 

at one point today i had 11kids and if the other 3 had still been at the house it would've been 14.  they did play outside and played well together but that had nothing to do w/ me.  i will say watching my kids & their family/friends play makes me happy.  they are very creative children. 

anyway i have nothing profound to say.  my misfit motherhood brings nothing positive to the table.... at least today.    did they survive today?  were they fed?  are they all in bed now?  sure, but again, my attitude, my heart cry, man..... days like this i could easily be cut out & no one would know.  and in here lies the double standard..... i want independent children, capable, free thinkers, gearing up for adulthood, and yet i still want to impact their lives.  i should be able to have both, but have forgotten how to interact w/ them, i've lost my way, and instead of just playing w/ them, or inviting them to help me in the kitchen, or fold laundry, we are living seperate lives......  

i want this blog to be my journal, outlet, place to gather my thoughts, vent & sort thru my madness to find my reality, but i'd love for it to be read by others to help them, encourage them, show them that maybe they aren't alone in the struggle for better & the feeling of giving up.  but i'd have to be making a difference, putting myself out there & teaching by living in a way that proves practical.  i think i am pushing people away, rather than bring them closer.......  

DOUBLE STANDARD......  it seems it is my life.....   
it's all about perspective.  how do you see your life, what you do & how you measure up.  are you good enough or barely making it.  earlier in the kitchen i decided my word for the day was perspective.  i can't remember what sparked it... i think it had something to do w/ the kids.  amazing how that word can really impact others & move mountains.  how one can see the potential in something while some one else sees junk........  i guess it's the same for me.  although lately it is hard to see any worth in me, especially b/c i know what i am striving for & where i actually dwell.  my heart, mind & body  are nothing more than a bump in the road.........

i have also realized i really want to make this blog POP for my own satisfaction and for the occasional passerby.  but i also realize i know nothing of this technology.... i haven't taken a computer class since i was like 15 or 16...... i haven't played around w/ this site to figure out how to put on pictures etc..... but at the same time i don't take the time to learn...... i want it to magically be fixed, and as much as i'd love to ask my sister, that would mean i reveal to her my blog.... and like i said i don't really know if i want to do that.  so here i sit, knowing what to do, and not doing it b/c?????  who knows......


should i keep going??? part of me thinks i could let this really spiral out of control.... the other part thinks i need to just chill out.  try to find the silver lining.  i can always do that for someone else, but for myself??? sometimes it's just hard...... maybe i demand too much?? but i feel like that's a kid who should receive an f but the teacher wants to build their self esteem..... even though they didn't earn a higher grade it was given to make the child feel better......  i think today i probably just passed as a mom, but i really want to score high in this area b/c it's the one that really matters.  not to mention it's my only job....... if this was a paying job i would've taken a pay cut, loss of position or been fired by now....... 

i guess that is when i should pipe in and say well be grateful for that.  your family has kept you around, tomorrow is another day, God's grace is sufficient....... His mercies are new every morning.... these are hard truths to accept when you don't want to believe them...... i mean i know God loves me, i don't doubt that.  i understand He paid the highest price b/c He thought i was worth it, I get b/c of His righteousness i am forgiven, and yet???  i hesitate.....  by world standards, and by my own, i feel i fail, i feel i need to be held accountable, i need to be punished, hated, discarded..... BUT God's love isn't dependent on anything i do, it is unconditional.  meaning it never stops, even if i hate & hate myself, if i'm lazy, if i sit like a lump, if i hide my head..... but i also feel that God can be disappointed, and He does have righteous anger.... SO..... how does that work?  My worth is based not on what i can do, God has given me gifts & talents to use & invites me into His work, but if i do nothing w/ any of it??? will it not sadden Him, or even upset Him?  Do i feel i need to earn His love, even though i know that is so far from the truth?  or am i trying to prove myself to Him & me by doing something w/ my life.  if i waste it, isn't that being an ungrateful child?  spoiled even???  but then i think it isn't actually supposed to be me, but Christ in me.  He is supposed to be my strength, shield, wisdom, Counselor, Truth, my armor, my Salvation.... the list is endless..... so if i am finding my purpose & being in Christ, then am i really lacking??? and the more i seek Him, will i automatically live intentionally?? have i always been lazy in my thinking?? how do i cultivate the fruits of the Spirit?  or do i have to wait for Him to do it?? but aren't we told to persevere & run the race marked out for us??? not stand at the side lines, not stay at the start, but run & finish????  so we have to make an effort even if it's God working thru us right?????  ugh, it seems like i don't have the answers today, and man's wisdom is not God's.  so it looks like i need to spend some time reading my Bible.........

Dear God, before i read my Bible i just wanted to say a quick prayer..... or what i hope will be quick.  thank you for today.  even if i didn't spend it the way i'd like, or even the way that best honored You, thank you for it anyway.  thank you that i survived all the kids, even when my heart grew bitter and annoyed.  they are Your blessings.  help me to always rejoice & treat them like blessings.  keep my cold heart warm w/ Your love.  God, i thank you that david went out to jam w/ some friends tonight.  i ask that you will let him enjoy his evening.  and i'm sorry that lately it seems i am meeting NONE of his needs.  i loathe that about myself.  seriously.... Lord God i admit right now to You many times recently i have wanted to be rescued from my marriage but then there are times when i want nothing more than to have our marriage work.  Lord help me show love to my husband.  let me have Your supernatural love that forgives, and keeps no record of wrong. that looks at my hubby w/ untainted eyes, and desires only him after You.  grow my relationship, strengthen, restore & revive our union.  protect it.  also my love for you.  make me a diligent seeker of You.  let me hunger & thirst for You so only You can satisfy.  last but not least thank you for my children & the other children i get to see.  Lord let me see them as Your blessings.  grow them b/c they are your children on loan to me.  teach & guide them.  let them always seek Your face first, in all matters.  create hearts of prayer, attitudes of love & generosity.  let them walk in peace shinning Your light where ever they go.  thank you for my children, my nieces, nephew, "adopted" kids & more.  help me to love them as You do. 

amen