i don't wanna!

how many times in life do we say or think "i don't want to"?

i've had many opportunities to say that today.  i am looking back on my day & it can all be summed up into that little sentence.  well if that's the summary i guess i can stop writing.  

truthfully i am finding my blog writing to be hard in the evening.  i think i may start writing little posts all day long.  so my mind will literally be transcribed onto the internet..... a great way to cleanse my brain of worry etc, and maybe sift thru real problems.

today i am falling asleep at the key board.  trying to explain & express my thought process while my body is saying screw you I want sleep! i think the keyword of the day is perseverance.  i spent 6hrs today cleaning my mother in law's house.  she is a hoarder by trade & there was a lot of stuff to sort, organize & throw out.  i wish i could be the clean house team & get her spotless, organized & updated.  but alas it was just me and the radio on the tv. thank you in laws for having direct tv w/ music channels [note before leaving the house while having my time w/ the Lord i was saying "i don't wanna" but knew i had to serve today]

i must say the college rock coffee house channel was VERY misleading.  it said it was going to have a good mix of music..... it did not!  it gave a mellow vibe & i was able to start cleaning but i was expecting a more intense and varied selection. my sister in law stopped in for a bit while i was cleaning.  she suggested i change the channel.  i had planned on it but was waiting til i made it to the living room to change it.  like a reward for getting the back of the house clean, i'd get better music.

let me say the malt shop oldies channel was very good. i could sing, dance & clean to all the songs.  the only problem is i heard a great song & can not remember it at all.  i wanted to post it to my hubby's fb page but i have no idea who sang it, or what it was called.  i've tried to locate the playlist for the station but i've been getting internet run around. plus like i said i'm too tired. 

my mind while cleaning & walking home wandered to & from various topics today.  from sex w/ my man to worshiping the Lord.  i've thought about cleaning, how helping my mother in law makes me want to help my mom w/ her apt.  how i wish i could do more, yet can't/didn't.  wondering how my hubby and i have ups & downs physically.  wondering how i can make our bedroom place a safe spot for him to express himself & desire me.  running ideas, scenarios & books i should read.  feeling guilty about all the stuff that i had to toss from my mom in law's place b/c it was ruined.  wondering how my 90yr old grandma is doing.  hearing about how she has dementia and now throws her own "i don't wanna" tantrums. how our life cycle can sometimes go in full circles.  we are born dependent & often are dependent once more before death comes a calling. 

leaving to go home for the day i again encountered "the i don't wanna" phrase.  i didn't want to take a $$ offering from my mother in law, so i left before she could try give me some.  i didn't wanna take the bus, but i didn't wanna walk home.  i realized i should walk home b/c i need the exercise, but i also noticed the only reason i was hesitant on the bus ride was b/c i was being fearful.  fear of what, i'm not sure.  maybe b/c i was stinky & dirty from cleaning & didn't want to sit too close to someone & offend.  maybe b/c a past bus experience left me scarred & apprehensive..... maybe i was just tired.  so i half walked, then caught a bus, and then walked the rest of the way home.  it is a long walk from my house to my mom in law's house & vice versa. 

again i encountered the "i don't wanna" when thinking about what i had to do when i got home.  i made a list in my head, i had to spend time w/ family (i really was missing them), make dinner, shower, wash laundry & i wanted to blog a bit.  i compromised..... sort of..... i washed myself, made dinner, hung out w/ the family over dinner & cartoons, put the babes to bed, talked w/ my mom who just came back from maine and am now having verbal diarrhea on the internet.  sort of hung out w/ the hubby & didn't clean a single thing at my house. 

i am not going to feel guilty about all i haven't accomplished.  i am now just going to be satisfied & go to bed.  my brain is kicking now, and wants to post scripture & fun pinterest things to this blog, but my body is saying bed & my laptop is saying charge me. 

sooo, i am saying i don't wanna go to bed.  but i will.  today is all about accomplishing the i don't wannas.  perseverance.